Where the playoffs began, and it was the start of the best weekend this decade for the Texans.
One could argue that this might have been the best weekend in Houston Texans’ football history. Certainly this was the best weekend since 2020. Saturday night, the Texans and Colts battle it out in a winner-goes-forward-loser-goes-home slugfest, which the Texans prevailed, 23-19. Then, the next day, the Jags complete the biggest collapse of the season, losing to the Titans 28-20, giving Houston its seventh division title in franchise history, and perhaps its most unexpected. For a team that had won a total of 11 games over three years, and made more headlines for off-field drama and organization dysfunction, the Texans are back in the playoffs.
Of course it would not be easy. What about the 2023 Texans has been mundane/routine, other than heart-stopping drama? For the 10th time this season, the Texans played in a game where it came down to the final minute. The defense bent (especially against the run), but ultimately did not break. Fairbairn and Johnston made things a little more interesting than usual. CJ Stroud did CJ Stroud things, and the team moved to 7-3 in such situations. Sheer madness, and the fun is far from over. Houston is playing with house money here, and they get a rematch with a Cleveland team that throttled them earlier in the season at NRG. Yet, bet against this Houston team at your peril. At least, expect it to go down to the wire, ‘cause that is just how this work this year.
As always, your Battle Red Blog masthead had their real-time takes on the biggest game of the decade for the team (so far). Given the roller-coaster of emotions/passions, plenty of not-suitable-for-work words were used, so in classic Hair of the Dog fashion, we have edited those out. This should help you maintain that New Year’s Resolution to be more professional at the office.
With that, on to the ‘Dog:
HAIR OF THE DOG, VOLUME 21, ISSUE 18: HOUSTON TEXANS @ INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (Or where the playoffs begin here and now, even if the NFL says it is still the regular season)
vballretired
Okay, it’s the final version of this one for the 2023-2024 regular season. Here’s hoping there will be at least one more. Either way, fire up the #Bartesian and mix yourself a celebratory drink. You’ve navigated friends, family, angry shoppers, and drunken idiots to survive another holiday season. Similarly, your Texans have clinched a winning season. All possibilities are in play. Division title? It’s improbable, but it’s possible. Wild card? Win and you’re in. Embarrassing letdown? We’ve seen this organization do it before. Either way it’s bound to be entertaining. Vodka? Check. Rum? Check. Gin? Check. Whiskey? Check. Tequila? Check. #Bartesian has mixers for all of those and probably some I haven’t thought of. Let it do all the hard work for you. All you have to do is set it up and knock them down. As per usual, Battle Red Blog and its parent company SBNation remind you to never drink and drive while enjoying #Bartesian.
l4blitzer
Something to be said for domed games. The PIT-BAL wx is ooogly
Joe
I’m rooting for the chance that both the Steelers and Texans make the playoffs
Not entirely sure how exactly that happens but I hope it happens
vballretired
Not a chance.
l4blitzer
That would work…likely if the Steelers win and the Glitter Kitties lose…plus some other convoluted tie scenarios
Probably some other variables with the Bills, the. Broncos and the position of Venus vis-a-vis Saturn and the moon factored in
Joe
It can happen!!
If the bills lose and broncos win there’s a chance for the Steelers
I’m so nervous about tonight’s game though
I’ve been anxious about since yesterday morning
vballretired
We are playing with house money
Joe
I’m so excited for the Texans to play on prime time in one of the biggest games in recent history, and I think Stroud can really do it, but I’m just so nervous about it haha
You’re right! This has been a miracle season, I just want the ball to keep rolling
vballretired
Hard to say. I say this half jokingly but I don’t know if they can figure out how to play other than noon on Sunday
Joe
Hahaha
If they win this game they’ll def has some prime time games next year
vballretired
They will either way
Joe
We gotta beat the freaking colts I don’t want to lose to the stinky colts to end the season
Ur right about that too
vballretired
Honestly the league loves teams like ours. When you can market around a QB you can make it happen
Joe
Which means if we go on a win streak into the playoff like Nick Foles we’ll be on top of the world
I can see stroud going 2017 Foles mode with this team
lol
Clowney with the sack and fumble on Rudolph
it’s 2019 again
vballretired
Really glad they made this one a national game
I think I’ve seen more offense at a 7B game when my daughter was a cheerleader
vballretired
Mason Rudolph is a free agent after the season….just saying
Joe
i dont like him at all
absolutely do not trust him at all
he’s been alright the past few games but i still remember 2019
vballretired
As a backup?
Joe
as anything
Patrick
Have I missed anything?
Joe
hey patrick!
vballretired
Ryan Tannehill is obviously likely available too
Joe
steelers are winning and have the ball with 6 mins left
vballretired
Just pregame commentary
Joe
tannehill wouldnt be bad
or drew lock
vballretired
Maybe Lock could work
I want someone that can physically throw every route and has an ounce of athleticism
Joe
me too haha
but sometimes its hard to find that in a good backup
mariota?
vballretired
Keenum has the second but really can’t make all the throws anymore
Joe
idk about mariota
which is too bad cuz i like him
he was even pretty alright in his season starting for denver in 2018
vballretired
Mills is just damaged goods
Patrick
To be honest, Keenum couldn’t really make all the throws even in his prime.
vballretired
Probably true
Joe
yea i think ur right
that minneapolis miracle play was amazing though
vballretired
Mariota could work for cheap
Patrick
And I say this as someone who watched him play at UH while I was at UH.
vballretired
Yeah, he reminds me of our (TCU) QB from last season
Patrick
Duggan?
vballretired
Yup
Patrick
I can see that.
vballretired
Good athlete. Tough. Smart. Weak arm.
Joe
Would you like tyrod taylor coming back as a backup?
vballretired
No
Patrick
We could do worse than Taylor. We could do better too, though.
vballretired
You can do better
Joe
yea haha, but he’s had a few good games for the giants this season!
vballretired
Someone like Tannehill would be perfect if he doesn’t find a starting gig
Joe
he’s got something left in the tank
see idk about tannehill cuz he hasn’t had a good game in a long while
even taylor has looked better than tannehill this season
vballretired
Why did the Giants go away from Danny Devito?
Patrick
He turned back into an Italian pumpkin.
Joe
he wasn’t playing well for a little while
hahaha
Patrick
Or would that be a zucchini?
vballretired
Sure but I know what Taylor is. In their spot play the young guy and see.
It’s like us and Keenum in 2013
Carson Wentz? (Ducks oncoming tomato)
Patrick
I don’t hate it but I’d prefer a backup with a little more athleticism.
Joe
yea i dont want carson wentz anymore
sam darnold maybe
vballretired
I’d handle the QB spot differently. Sign two guys and let Mills and Keenum go. Sign a solid veteran closer to his prime as the backup and a more athletic guy you want to take a flier on as QB3
Darnold, Tannehill, or someone like that to backup and another guy like Wentz/Mariota if they come cheap as a kind of what the [KITTEN] kind of play.
I mean if your QB3 is getting serious reps then your season is likely kittened anyway.
Joe
it’s almost time!!!!
i see what you mean
that does make sense
we could take mcsorley!!!
lol hahaha
current steelers practice squab qb
vballretired
I wouldn’t spend a draft pick on a guy but an undrafted free agent with athleticism makes sense
Joe
i like that idea too
i always like the weird athletic qbs that fall in the draft
frank harris from utsa could be one in this year’s draft
vballretired
I just felt like Mills was a wasted roster spot. Either you have a guy that may develop into something or you move on
Like what the Cowboys did with Trey Lance. He likely won’t play but has raw skills that could pan out.
Patrick
And we’ve had, what, three years now to see what Mills is? If he’s got something to show, his window to show it is closing fast.
vballretired
That horse done left the barn a long time ago
Patrick
Overture! Curtain, lights!
On with the show this is it.
No Robert Woods tonight. Let’s see if we can light a fire under Metchie and Hutchinson.
So for tomorrow, our interests (if we win) and the Steelers’ are one and the same.
vballretired
Will we miss Robert Woods?
Patrick
Only one way to find out.
vballretired
There is always Noah Brown
Joe
It’s almost time for the big game!!! This is by far the biggest Texans game I’ve had the pleasure to watch since I started writing for Battle Red Blog. This can be the moment the Texans show the entire country that they’re ready for the big show, and even if they lose, a potential juggernaut for the next few seasons. I’m so very, very nervous, and now my hearts already racing and the game hasn’t even started yet. I’ve been waiting for this moment for so long, to be preparing for a game like this with you guys, all sitting on the edges of our seats, anticipating every play. Finally, the Texans have made it!
Since I started writing here, all we’ve had to talk about is how the Texans stink! Finally, there’s now overwhelming proof that we have entered a new era. My heart is fully feeling the effects of that right now
vballretired
Honestly I don’t know how it will turn out and don’t care. Anything is possible and that by itself is satisfying. I’m not particularly nervous yet because we are in that in between zone between expectations and zero expectations
Patrick
Ever burp so loud that the dog sitting next to you gets up and goes to a different part of the house?
Joe
IT’S TIME!!!!
Patrick
Comrades! We sit poised on edge of glorious new era of Houston #Texans football!
Standing in the way is insignificant obstacle in baby horses of Indianapolis.
We shall right historic wrong from this season and send baby horses back to their barn!
Glory to Mother Houston!
— Houston Sports Information Ministries (@HouSportsMinInf) January 7, 2024
Er’rybody coming out of retirement today.
FIRST QUARTER
COLTS POSSESSION
Joe
good start!!!
BOOOOO
Patrick
Ugh.
Joe
refs already working against the texans
Patrick
Oh goody, the refs are getting involved early today.
Ugh. Again.
Joe
there’s that crummy pass defense near the line of scrimmage
Patrick
Un-[KITTEN]ing-real.
Joe
this isn’t the defensive start i was hoping
Patrick
Sigh…
Joe
come on, d-line!!! lets get going
Patrick
Wake the [KITTEN] up please.
Joe
im hoping we dont see good jonathan taylor tonight
good time for a turnover
4th down!!!!
let’s gooo
thank goodness minshew can’t throw on the run
Patrick
Bloody [KITTEN] you’re way ahead of me.
Joe
i got it on abc right now
Patrick
Phew.
I have it on Fubo, I’m sure that’s the reason. It’s always a bit slow.
Joe
ohh i see
how about a blocked kick?
will anderson?
Patrick
I’ll take it if it happens.
Joe
it didn’t happen 🙁
it’s c.j. stroud time
COLTS FIELD GOAL. COLTS LEAD 3-0
TEXANS POSSESSION
Joe
Here we go!!!
if he has a good game its time to get the mvp chants going again
Patrick
Okay Stroud, let’s dance.
Joe
AAAAAA
OH MY [DURGA]!!!!
WERE DANCING!!!!
Patrick
HOLY [KITTEN]ING [KITTEN]!!!
STROUD TO COLLINS ON FIRST OFFENSIVE PLAY OF GAME FOR THE TEXANS
TEXANS LEAD 7-3
Joe
PH MY GOODNESS
HOLY [KITTEN]!!!!
I JUST REPLAYED THAT LIKE 10 TIMES!!!
Kenneth L.
LETS RIDEEEEE
Joe
CJ Stroud is it. We’ve made it. This is heaven
Kenneth L.
THAT WAS MASSIVE
Joe
That was like a 60-yard pass!!!
Patrick
Game [KITTEN]ing on, y’all.
Joe
WERE OFF TO THE RACES
Kenneth L.
RUN NICO RUN
COLTS POSSESSION
Joe
OH!!!!
almost had an interception there!
SAAAACK!!!
Patrick
Anderson was in the tent for a moment and now he’s back on the field.
Don’t scare me like that ESPN.
Ladies and gentlemen, Christian Harris.
TEXANS POSSESSION
Joe
I think I like him haha
It’s time to see stroud again!!!
the world is seated now
Kenneth L.
Good gawd Charlie heck is our tackle
That means George Fant is hurt
Joe
here we go!
CJ STROUD GOT IT!
Patrick
No wonder they went deep bomb early.
Joe
yeah i didn’t know fant was hurt?
Patrick
Craaaaap.
GO FOR IT YOU COWARD
COLTS POSSESSION
Joe
it’s okay, we still have the lead so i wont complain too much
man we could use robert woods or noah brown right now
who knows though maybe xavier hutchinson is ready for the moment
I don’t like jonathan taylor!
Patrick
He was the worst part of Home Improvement.
Joe
nice play by Houston-Carsson!
hahaha
WOOOOOO
vballretired
This is better….not yet Joe
Joe
Texans looking good on defense!!
Patrick
Oh [DURGA], what now?
Hey, they DO penalize other teams!
vballretired
MOAR flags
Joe
yeah can you believe it haha
vballretired
When they tout the line judge you know ref ball has gone too far
Joe
AUGHHH
l4blitzer
Still just shocked that we have Aikman and Buck commentating our game…or rather, I can mute Aikman and Buck
HOU POSSESSION
Joe
that was so close to being another big play
l4blitzer
Just a bit outside there Stroud
vballretired
Could you imagine V chip tech but for specific announcers?
l4blitzer
Did Nico just truck a defender…I’ll take it
Patrick
Durga love him.
vballretired
Give me the Collingsworth chip
Joe
Nico Flexing on them too!
l4blitzer
Are all the Texans coaches required to wear long sleeve form fitting shirts that show off their guns and make me feel inadequate on my physic?
Joe
3rd and short across midfield…a lot of options here
Patrick
[KITTEN] that, I’m strapping Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith to the Clockwork Orange chair and installing it in them first, without anesthetic.
vballretired
My under got blown up on the first play of the game
Joe
[DURGA] [KITTEN] TUNSIL
l4blitzer
The Tunsil false start on 3rd down…right on cue
vballretired
Luckily they aren’t in game commentators
Patrick
Bull[KITTEN], that was offsides.
I don’t care if it wasn’t, it was offsides.
Joe
you can go for it!
you can do it!!
l4blitzer
Hmmm…decision time on 4th down.
vballretired
Y’all are a play ahead
END OF 1ST QUARTER: HOU 7 – IND 3…and the playoff drama will only magnify
Joe
oh man im nervous
i mean they can punt
i wouldnt be super mad
but this offense is moving
vballretired
Hard decision. I’d pin them back but that’s me
Patrick
Fake the punt. They’d never expect it this early.
Joe
faking wouldn’t be a bad idea!
l4blitzer
Only if we are inside our own 30…oh wait, BO’B isn’t coaching
vballretired
Kittens
l4blitzer
Welp, if you are going to punt it…pining them on the 1 will do ok
Joe
okay well the punt is justified now
perfect punt
IND POSSESSION
Patrick
You know what, I’ll allow it.
vballretired
Perfect
l4blitzer
Hmmmm….that is NOT how to play one
Joe
whoops
vballretired
I’ll be the instant replay all game
Who is that guy?
Joe
sack em!!
Patrick
Oh [KITTEN] us, THE COLTS DO NOT NEED YOUR HELP!
l4blitzer
60 yards on the ground already….oh, that has shades of 2022
Joe
nooo
don’t say it!!!
l4blitzer
Of course, you know what the 2022 Texans did at Lucas Oil…
vballretired
Bend but don’t break
Joe
oh boy 3rd and short
man it would be nice to have greenard for this game
he made an impact after coming back from injury last year
vballretired
Stop that Zachary Taylor dude
l4blitzer
I think we got an assist from the Colts offense on that tackle
Joe
WOOOOO
l4blitzer
I don’t play NFL football, but an offensive player going in motion should probably not run into a running back
HOU POSSESSION
Joe
Dang one of the spiciest returns i’ve ever seen haha
vballretired
That seems like sound advanced strategy there
Patrick
That’s the kind of [KITTEN] the ‘21 Texans would have done.
(The running into his own player thing I mean)
vballretired
Going back in the annals of suckdom
Somewhere David Culley is smiling as he sets his tee time for tomorrow’s
l4blitzer
Crazy…I can actually have a drink while following the game…don’t know if that will be a good thing or bad?
vballretired
Bartesian baby
Patrick
And I salute [Culley].
Can I get a brief moment of silence for Cindy Morgan who played Lacey Underall on Caddyshack.
vballretired
[KITTEN]
Joe
come on, singletary!
l4blitzer
…and apparently we lost the actress who played Mrs. Banks in the original Mary Poppins
Joe
metchie time
l4blitzer
Hey, Metchie actually caught a pass
Patrick
Oh yeah, I saw that happened New Year’s Eve.
vballretired
[KITTEN], death sucks
l4blitzer
Ok…missed that headline in the midst of all the international news…
Patrick
There’s Metchie’s one catch of the game.
Joe
i think schultz just barely got it
Patrick
He got that.
l4blitzer
Barely = conversion = moving the football
vballretired
He got it
l4blitzer
Just a bit outside by Stroud…maybe DPI, but not gonna get that call at Lucas Oil
Joe
man they love giving cj stroud 3rd and long
vballretired
Should’ve caught that
l4blitzer
Colts are going to take the run away…of course, if you want to force Stroud to beat you, be my guest.
Kenneth L.
This drive is stressing me
Joe
UGHHHH
GO FOR IT
GO FAST
Kenneth L.
That was a run the ball to get closer
l4blitzer
They gotta go for this one.
Half a yard…DO IT
vballretired
Roll the clock
Patrick
Yeah, I thought it was third down when I said it.
Joe
NOOOOO
Patrick
Now you better go for it.
Kenneth L.
Booooo
Womp
vballretired
Kittens
l4blitzer
Tunsil…you already had your one False Start…Knock it off…they are going to call that all night at Lucas Oil
IND POSSESSION
vballretired
Pro Bowler my [KITTEN]
Kenneth L.
Haha
l4blitzer
Well, if Johnston is going to force the Colts to go 90+ on every drive, that’ll suffice.
Patrick
Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggghhhhhhhhhh……….
Joe
The defense is balling, though! it’s hard seeing the offense slow up like this but the defense is handling it
vballretired
Eventually you have to put more points on the board
l4blitzer
Suspect they’ll try some play action…but yeah, it may be that type of game where Stroud is going to have to put the ball in the air 35-40 times at least.
vballretired
There’s always Dameon Pierce (ducks oncoming tomatoes)
l4blitzer
On kick returns…sure
Joe
DEREK STINGLEY!!!
l4blitzer
Nice by Stingley, but the Ponies gotta hang on to that one
vballretired
Waiting…..
Patrick
Stand by…
Noice.
l4blitzer
This game is moving at a brisk pace, no?
Joe
LETS GOOOO
Patrick
When you’re under strict orders not to throw flags unless it’s really obvious or it’s against the Texans will speed things along nicely.
vballretired
I support any play that doesn’t involve Taylor
l4blitzer
Great 3rd down defense by Houston…now it would be nice to not sabotage our own offense, please and thank you
HOU POSSESSION
Joe
already nearly at midfield!
okay, time to get a field goal
time to take advantage of this great defensive play
vballretired
[KITTEN] with field goals
l4blitzer
Wait did we forget to Venmo the refs AGAIN!?!?!?
Patrick
I wonder if we have to resort to the “for every false start you commit, we will shoot a puppy on the sidelines” for these penalties.
Joe
hahaha
l4blitzer
Nah, it is “For every false start from here on out, we cut off a body part”
vballretired
Venmo? Is that what the kids are using?
l4blitzer
So I’ve heard
Patrick
Michael Dieter in the blue tent.
vballretired
What happened to old fashioned cash
Patrick
It’s all covered with cocaine.
l4blitzer
Well, you could do Bitcoin, but the value has not been very stable
Was that like a power sweep? The Lombardi fan in me is smiling
Joe
there’s a good run by stingley!!!
eric saubert sighting
saubert catch!
l4blitzer
Hey, that was nice playaction….do have to credit the Ponies with the coverage though
vballretired
You got a seal here and a seal here
Joe
another good run!
vballretired
Who in the [KITTEN] is that guy?
Joe
Deiter looks he’s back on the field
l4blitzer
Looks like we are going to ride Singletary in the backfield until he drops
Patrick
Not a bad run considering it looked like it was DOA.
Joe
NICOOOO
LETS GOOO
l4blitzer
Man, Nico is channeling his inner Mark Bavaro here. Trucking Colts left, right, and center
vballretired
Running behind Heck ain’t doing it for you?
Patrick
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Joe
how did singletary get out of that???
how did he do that????
l4blitzer
Man…I can’t think of a runner who is as slippery as Singletary
Joe
he’s nuts
Patrick
Somebody done gave Nico Collins a can of spinach.
Joe
oh man oh man
vballretired
They told him it was NRG
TWO MINUTE WARNING
l4blitzer
Hey, it is in a dome
Joe
WOOOOOO
LETS GOOOO
l4blitzer
Andrew Beck, please report to the end zone. Andrew Beck, please report to the end zone
Joe
Andrew Beck!!!
Patrick
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
STROUD TO BECK FOR THE 2 YD TD: HOU 14 – IND 3; 2nd, 1:57
vballretired
He was lost
Kenneth L.
RIDE WITH THE MOB
Joe
It’s happening!! It’s happening!!!
Kenneth L.
that’s a backup pro bowl fullback baby
vballretired
Who had Beck TD on their board?
Patrick
Only the most degenerate of gamblers.
l4blitzer
Apparently the Yinzers lost TJ Watt to injury? Only saw part of the 1st half of that game…sucks for the Steelers if that is case
vballretired
That was my 13th go to option on prop bets
IND POSSESSION
vballretired
Watt’s injury didn’t look serious
Patrick
I hope it’s not but even small injuries are severe when it comes to the playoffs.
Joe
I think watt has some kind of MCL sprain, so I think he’s done for the rest of the season if it were to continue for the steelers
l4blitzer
Great…another mental mistake
Joe
NOOOO
l4blitzer
Ryans so wants to piledrive somebody into the turf right now
Patrick
That was so dumb.
Joe
are you serious
vballretired
Time for one of them sacks
Joe
this is the penalty drive
there’s always at least one penalty drive
Patrick
Oh [KITTEN] you now what?
l4blitzer
Only a FG please…at worst
vballretired
Ref ball
Patrick
Oh get the [KITTEN] out of here illegal contact.
l4blitzer
Awww…the Colts wanted to get a flag too
My cat jumping off the counter couldn’t catch that one
Joe
It helps when minshew isn’t throwing well
hahahaha
vballretired
Don’t underestimate feline athleticism
Patrick
My dog is literally a horse and she couldn’t catch that.
*My nephew’s dog who I’m taking care of at the moment
Joe
whew
that was too close
l4blitzer
Wow…the Pony receivers are not helping Minshew
vballretired
It was intended for Joe Popcorn Vendor
l4blitzer
Not that I am complaining
With the Colts having all of their TOs, surprised that they didn’t run Taylor before 3rd and long
Joe
yeah really they’ve been running well
vballretired
I hate Taylor
Joe
me too
vballretired
MLBTR reported that Singletary wants to come back
GAY WITH THE 52 YD FG: HOU 14 – IND 6; 0:35, 2nd
vballretired
I wouldn’t mind an upgrade over Pierce for a second back though
l4blitzer
Two TOs, 35 seconds…let’s see if we can get a bonus FG
HOU POSSESSION
Patrick
And we get the ball to start the second half.
Joe
alright another penalty lol
l4blitzer
…and another false start
Patrick
Saw on Twitter ([kitten] you Elon Musk) that depending on how this game goes, this could be the last time we see these uniforms.
Kind of hit me right there.
l4blitzer
The commentators praising Stroud’s composure, but Stroud has put up huge numbers at Lucas Oil before
Joe
Okay i think it’s passing time
Patrick
Please. I’m begging you Houston Texans. Stop helping the Colts.
l4blitzer
Ponies playing the TO game
Patrick
WE ALREADY HAVE SEVEN PENALTIES AND IT’S JUST HALFTIME.
This is turning into a real problem.
vballretired
Ref ball baby!
l4blitzer
Those outside toss runs really seem to be working well….come on Slowik. Channel your inner Lombardi. Run to Daylight!
Joe
Stroud doing the whole variety show to prepare for the game
l4blitzer
Colts got a hand on that one
IND POSSESSION
Joe
colts lucky to have a chance here
l4blitzer
IF we can avoid a penalty, figure on going in the locker room 14-6
vballretired
Big if
l4blitzer
We did…for once
Joe
halftime!
HALFTIME: HOU 14 – IND 6. HIGH DRAMA AT LUCAS OIL
HALFTIME REACTIONS
Kenneth L.
I’ll take this
Good half
We still could be up by more
But the colts have flubbed several good chances
vballretired
Nice start to this thing. You get the ball first with an opportunity to really take control of the game. Stroud good as usual and the defense is really good. We need a running game and no more penalties but that’s nitpicking
l4blitzer
That Stroud is playing well is not a huge shock. However, the Texans 3rd down defense is the story. Colts, even as well as they are running the ball, have yet to convert a 3rd down. Houston likely could be up more, but way. Too. Many. Penalties….and most of them are the mental, pre-snap type. This is the most pressure packed game Houston has seen in years. The players will need to settle down a little
Joe
Overall, fantastic first half from the Texans, besides the penalties. C.J. Stroud is clearly ready for the moment and Nico Collins is hot. The entire defense is playing well, besides having some difficulty in containing jonathan taylor. Good coverage, good plays from Derek Stingley…some luck here and there…pressure from Will Anderson. If it weren’t for the penalties on defense and the false starts form laremy tunsil, this first half might have been perfect. Now, the real anxiety begins
l4blitzer
assessment on the second half:
vballretired
Second half? Am I that far behind
l4blitzer
No, that is just my assessment of what is in store for the second half
Patrick
Ahhhhhh okay.
vballretired
How about the Jonathan Gannon buckle up?
Joe
oh man im so worried
l4blitzer
I don’t know what to think about Wednesday night marquee NBA on ABC/ESPN. I guess it can work?
vballretired
Maybe
Patrick
I’m sorry but if you’re able to use those nasal enema machines without flinching in horror, you have to be some kind of sociopath.
Joe
here we go!
no turtling!!
vballretired
Oh [KITTEN] no
Patrick
Uh oh.
HOU POSSESSION
Patrick
I don’t like how the chat is foreshadowing here.
Joe
NICO COLLINS!!!
l4blitzer
Hey, that play action thingy kinda works…let’s keep that in mind
vballretired
That’s one of them fancy English terms we teach in school
Patrick
Oooooooo, purdy.
l4blitzer
Turf monster kinda got Singletary there
Joe
oh my goodness
l4blitzer
Saubert enters the penalty chart
Patrick
[KITTEN].
Joe
NOOOO
l4blitzer
Those penalties are such killers…especially there
vballretired
Barely any movement
l4blitzer
Scruggs…worst play of the game for him so far
Joe
he’s improving but still not great
vballretired
That kills that drive
Joe
yep
Patrick
[DURGA] [KITTEN]ing [KITTEN].
IND POSSESSION
l4blitzer
Risky play by the Indy punt returner there
vballretired
Bonus yards for Nico
l4blitzer
Houston needs to watch out for the play action pass here. Can’t imagine Minshew will suck for that much longer
Patrick
This is where we see whose halftime adjustments are gonna stick. At the moment, I’m not optimistic it’s ours.
l4blitzer
Eh, we always seem to have those 3rd quarter lulls…then turn it on in the 4th
vballretired
Well, stupid penalties have a way of killing a game plan
Joe
nooo!!
l4blitzer
Or, we might want to plug up the middle for those runs as well
Patrick
Maybe we do something about Jonathan Taylor Thomas running the ball, Iunno, just a thought.
Joe
there’s a good stop
[KITTEN]
l4blitzer
A balance…limit the run, but don’t get burned by the play-action pass
Joe
NOOOOOO
l4blitzer
Colts were due that sort of play.
Joe
noooo!
Patrick
Oh [KITTEN] me.
Kenneth L.
What just happened
Our secondary quit
Patrick
[KITTEN] me sideways.
Joe
[KITTEN]
TAYLOR WITH THE 49 YD TD RUN: HOU 14 – IND 14 (2 POINT CONVERSION GOOD); 9:35, 3rd
l4blitzer
CJ Stroud, please report to the end zone. CJ Stroud, please report to the end zone
Kenneth L.
Sometimes Blake cash man kills me
Patrick
KEEP PEARL JAM OUT OF YOUR [KITTEN]ING MOUTHS INDY.
Joe
Yeah im looking at my clock it keeps saying cj stroud time i think it’s actually cj stroud time now
AASJDL
vballretired
It was never going to be easy
Patrick
I didn’t want normal blood pressure anyway.
l4blitzer
Oh come now…like we were ever going to win this 35-6. This is the 2023 Houston Texans…everything will be the hard way.
Will be shocked if this doesn’t come down to the final possession with under 2 minutes left. That is the modus operandi for Houston all year
Cashman will get the rest of the half to make up for that missed tackle
HOU POSSESSION
Joe
yeah, you’re right. It would only be normal for this game to come down to the final seconds
vballretired
This looks like first half of the season Texans football
Joe
NOOOOO
oh no!!!
Patrick
[KIIITTTTEEENNN]!
Joe
it’s scary time!!! scary time!!!
l4blitzer
Uncle Mo with Indy right now. Right Tackle got busted on that one
IND POSSESSION
l4blitzer
Hewitt nearly took the punt returner’s soul with that hit
vballretired
Time for some battlefight
Patrick
I’m surprised that wasn’t a foul given how this game has gone.
l4blitzer
It feels like Houston could really use a defensive turnover here…
Patrick
After that last drive, they could use a defensive anything.
l4blitzer
145 yards for Taylor…sheesh…how are we even tied in this game?
Patrick
Because Minshew hasn’t been able to complete passes yet.
l4blitzer
Admittedly, some great blocking by the Colts on that play.
Kenneth L.
Oh man they are running
Patrick
[KITTEN], they figured out how to beat us.
Joe
oh my [DURGA]!
l4blitzer
Nobody is touching the backs until they are deep in the defensive backfield
Patrick
Dog[KITTEN]. Absolute dog[KITTEN].
vballretired
Hughes down
Patrick
Fine. Shoot your prisoner.
l4blitzer
The injury actually gives the defense chance to rest. Going to have to hope that we hold them to FGs, cause the Colts’ running game is Nuclear Hot right now
Patrick
I refuse to believe ESPN is taking money from a fourth rate Viagra delivery company or ESPN is in way more trouble than I thought.
l4blitzer
Iger needs to get those stock prices back up
Joe
alright there’s some good run clogging
l4blitzer
Houston selling out to stop the run…not shocked, but gotta watch a play action pass
Patrick
167 yards, that’s [KITTEN]ing embarassking.
l4blitzer
200 yards for Indy on the ground. Yeah, we are thankful that Minshew isn’t even close to hot, or this would be 28-6…them
Joe
ALRIGHT!!!!
Maliek Collins!
l4blitzer
Man did Houston need that stop in the worst way
vballretired
I think I lost that prop bet
Patrick
Whew.
l4blitzer
That stuff on 2nd down saved Houston 3 points
Joe
HE DOINKED IT!!
killed the colts mascot!!!
Patrick
DOINK!
GAY DOINKED THE 57 YD FG; HOU POSSESSION
vballretired
Momentum swing
l4blitzer
If nothing else, Houston needs a drive with at least a couple of 1st downs to rest the defense and put Indy back on their heels
Joe
This would be perfect right now
even just a few first downs would suffice
slow the game down
cj stroud running!!!
l4blitzer
Flea flicker to set up the run…sure, why not
Joe
the double triple option
l4blitzer
Colts down a corner…if only we could take advantage
Joe
he’s running again!
Patrick
Gotta say I’m not thrilled about the lack of contribution from Metchie and Hutchinson right now.
Of all non-Nico receivers that is.
l4blitzer
Seems strange to say, but Houston needs to go more with the outside running game. They can’t seem to cover the flanks
Stroud got away with that one
Correction…the Indy defensive back with the key play there.
Joe
come on, Fairbairn!
FAIRBAIRN WITH THE 52 YD FG: HOU 17 – IND 14; 3:39, 3RD
Joe
woooo!! 2nd half point party!!!
glory to the all fg offense!!!
Kenneth L.
Points points points
vballretired
Okay defense
l4blitzer
Showing the highlights of Anderson…man, if ever there was a game you would want Greenard on the other side…
IND POSSESSION
Joe
alright blake cashman tackle!
ughhh
turnover would great right now
l4blitzer
Minshew wanted that big play, but saw the pressure and got the 1st down
Joe
DUMPED BY KHALIL DAVIS!!
Patrick
Someone kicking Jonathan Taylor in the nuts so hard they come out his nose would be great too.
Joe
Preseason star Khalil Davis
l4blitzer
Gotta make the 1st tackle
Joe
NOOOO
l4blitzer
Another flag coming our way…joy
Kenneth L.
Goooooood bye Kareem
Patrick
Nine penalties.
Kenneth L.
lol that was funny
Oh that was Desmond
WTF is he doing wearing 24
l4blitzer
Unfortunately, that is the textbook helmet-to-helmet from King
Kenneth L.
25
l4blitzer
Any chance we can get one of them turnovers?
Patrick
Hard to do if they refuse to throw the ball.
l4blitzer
Yeah, and the Pony backs aren’t known for fumbling
Patrick
A stop. A stop. Give me a [KITTEN]ing stop, please.
Joe
oh man like 3rd and inches
Patrick
Wow, an assist from the refs.
Joe
yeah i thought he had the first down
Patrick
Must have a prop bet they want to save.
END OF 3: HOU 17 – IND 14. IND INSIDE THE HOUSTON 25…NOW IS THE TIME FOR THE MEDICAL WARNING FOR THOSE WITH WEAK CARDIOVASCULAR SYSTEMS ABOUT WATCHING THE REST OF THIS GAME. PLEASE DO NOT DO SO UNLESS YOU HAVE BEEN CLEARED BY A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Patrick
This quarter is going to come with a warning from the surgeon general.
l4blitzer
Well, the NFL wanted playoff intensity for this game…they got it
vballretired
What happened to our run defense?
l4blitzer
I don’t know. I guess the Colts could, but 3rd and 1 with their running game. May as well save the potential TO
Joe
15 minutes left to make it to the big dance
Patrick
Jonathan Taylor, that’s what.
l4blitzer
Colts challenging the spot…please stand by…please stand by…please stand by
Patrick
Welp, now they’ll get that first down.
Joe
it looks like he got the first down
l4blitzer
Aikman with a Farve story…uh, I am not sure that is something I would throw in, even to kill time
Joe
[KITTEN]
Patrick
I [KITTEN]ing get it y’all they got the first down, let’s get on with it.
l4blitzer
Colts win the challenge. I might have saved it, but se la vive
Joe
jonathan taylor headed to the locker room
not sure what happened
vballretired
Excessive competence
l4blitzer
I would be happy, but the Colts’ other backs have feasted as well
Patrick
Don’t toy with my emotions Joe.
Joe
i think it was code brown
oh yeah i guess we’re gonna have to end the third quarter again
vballretired
Should try Whoops I [KITTEN]ped my pants
OK, FOR REAL, END OF THE 3RD: HOU 17 – IND 14. IND STILL INSIDE THE HOU 25
vballretired
Who is Tart
Patrick
Teart Tart, we picked him up off waivers from Methopotamia.
vballretired
Alberquerque?
l4blitzer
Apparently, he had a bad attitude with the BE-SFs. [Insert joke here]
Joe
starting to do some things against the run
3rd down!
Patrick
“But I’m not attracted to my sister, coach”
Vrabel: (cut)
l4blitzer
For all that has happened with the Houston defense…they have held Indy to 0-8 on 3rd downs
vballretired
0 for 9
Kenneth L.
Ugh
Tie game
I’m nervous
GAY WITH THE 35 YD FG: HOU 17 – IND 17; 13:33, 4th
Kenneth L.
This game gives me tragic ending vibes for us
Joe
dont say it!! it can’t be true!!!
l4blitzer
Official box scores still showing 0-8. However, the main number is….zero
Joe
CJ Stroud has the narrative-breaking magic to turn that tragic ending into victory
vballretired
Ugggg
Patrick
Taylor has an injured heel. Won’t be returning.
l4blitzer
Like 10 games have come down to the final minute with Houston. We can’t change the narrative now
HOU POSSESSION
Joe
here we go!
l4blitzer
Not a bad return by Pierce
Joe
funny to see him excelling at that instead of in the run game
catch by andrew beck
that might be houston’s first running first down
besides the stroud scramble
l4blitzer
Stroud never saw him..but the backside block has got to hold better
Joe
[KITTEN]
l4blitzer
That’ll help
Joe
pass again!!! dont run again!
schultz again!
vballretired
Deiter sucks
l4blitzer
Indy will rue that missed tackle on 2nd down
Patrick
Did he come back in? I wasn’t sure if he got back from the tent.
l4blitzer
Gotta be a facemask on that one
Joe
[DURGA] [KITTEN]
l4blitzer
Never mind…of course it will be against us
Patrick
I hope when they look back at this season, whenever that is, they take a big fat [KITTEN]ing look at all the penalties they committed.
Because this is unacceptable.
l4blitzer
Just like they drew it up
Joe
NICO COLLINS!!!!
Kenneth L.
Good golly Miss Molly what a catch
Joe
that was such a throw and catch
season saving throw and catch
i swear if this another flag
l4blitzer
….and another pre-snap penalty….maybe…or will it be on the Ponies
“We’re just gonna play it over” I never heard that as accepted ref language in any training I ever attended
Joe
eliminating the 5-yard run by the singletary for the do-over play lol
Patrick
Snort my [KITTEN] ref, you called that on Houston in the first [KITTEN]ing quarter.
vballretired
These refs suck
l4blitzer
And they get a 9 yard screen instead….I’ll take that trade-off
Joe
there’s a good CHUM
under 8 minutes left now
l4blitzer
…and the Rockets upset the Bucks, despite Giannis going for 48…anyway, back to the game
Bad news…lost yardage…good news…Houston gets another 2nd and long…seems to be our thing right now
Joe
AAAAAAA
Patrick
Glory to Texans’ yo-yo offense.
l4blitzer
I think we may benefit from a horse-collar
Joe
oh my goodness is he good at throwing the football
l4blitzer
Of course, it only cost the Colts like 1.75 yards
Joe
touchdown singletary!!!
Kenneth L.
TUDDY
yay
Patrick
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Kenneth L.
My heart
Can’t handle
vballretired
Drive of the year under the circumstances
Kenneth L.
[DURGA] [KITTEN]
SINGLETARY WITH THE 3 YD TD RUSH: HOU 23 (FAIRBARIN WITH THE MISSED PAT) – IND 17; 6:20, 4th
Joe
[DURGA] [DURGA]
always something weird
Kenneth L.
Vball you RUINED ME T
it**
If that costs us the playoffs….
I’ll never forgive him
l4blitzer
At this point, even if you have a medically sound cardiovascular system, get your doctor’s permission to continue watching this game
vballretired
What the [KITTEN]?
Now that’s a weird car commercial
Patrick
I think he was saying he’ll never forgive Fairbairn if that’s the difference between playoffs and no.
IND POSSESSION
Joe
taylor is back
l4blitzer
Play action from Indy…I think
Joe
i swear if that extra point is the difference i might die for real
Patrick
Of course he is. He was only doubtful to return which means usually they’re done for the day.
l4blitzer
That back-side hit on Taylor nearly drove him into the River Dis in [KITTEN]
Joe
NOOOO
l4blitzer
Bad tackling by the secondary on that one
Patrick
I hate this so much.
I hate this run defense so much in this moment.
Joe
why do all the games have to be so scary!!!
Patrick
I hate this whatever the [KITTEN] pass defense they just ran on the field.
l4blitzer
Taylor may not be 100%. Feel like they want to get the big play-action
Two down territory
Joe
its gonna be another penalty on the texans!
Patrick
Because this is the year they discover they have something. Next year should be when they make the leap to contender.
Joe
I CANT BELIEVE IT
i dont wanna wait till next year!
l4blitzer
Oh, of course another penalty on Houston….so much for the 0-fer on 3rd downs
Kenneth L.
Another penalty
11. Wow
l4blitzer
If there is any silver lining…it requires the Colts to score a TD….bend but don’t break has held them out of the end zone most of the time
Joe
3rd down again!!!
perryman is hurt
l4blitzer
A game of attrition for Houston
Patrick
Sure, why not. It’s not like we have a ton of injuries already.
Joe
2:40 left
l4blitzer
Now would be a good time for the 1st turnover of the game
Joe
oh my goodness
TWO MINUTE WARNING
Joe
oh man
oh man!!!
Kenneth L.
He got it
Patrick
OH [KITTEN] YOU REF.
Joe
the refs seriously have it out for houston in this game
l4blitzer
Where…oh, where, have we seen this story before? Houston holding a lead, on defense, with the opposing team now inside the Houston 25.
Joe
soon here if taylor breaks it open you might just wanna let him score
vballretired
2022 run defense strikes again
Joe
get stroud the ball back with over a minute left only needing a fg
good play by christian harris
l4blitzer
I am not sure that is great for Indy. They are going to have to throw it more than once. I get wanting to bleed the clock down, but Indy has to get the ball in the end zone. Even with Houston struggling on giving up yards, they tend to keep teams out of the end zone
Joe
i hate jonathan taylor
l4blitzer
Both teams with all 3 TOs…didn’t think I would see that
Joe
he didn’t get it!
oh [DURGA]
Patrick
If this were BOB we’d have blown them in the third and squandered the challenge just now.
l4blitzer
4th down….
Joe
oh my [DURGA]
my heart’
l4blitzer
Was Indy trying to draw us offsides? Actually, the way this game has gone, not a bad strategy
Patrick
Frankly, I’m surprised they didn’t give it to them there.
Kenneth L.
I’m not okay
Joe
AAAAAAA
AAAAAAA
LETS GOOOOO
HE DROPPED IT!!!!!
IND WITH THE DROPPED PASS; HOU POSSESSION
Patrick
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSS!!!!!
l4blitzer
Can’t get too cute. Colts have 2 TOs
vballretired
Oh my Durga!!!!!!!!!!
Joe
HE DROPPED IT!!!! OH MY [DURGA]!!!!
l4blitzer
Texans run, Colts take a TO…Texans run again, probably gets it down to 15-ish seconds. Indy goes for the all-out punt block, but if we get it off, great chance to escape
54 seconds now…Texans can get it to under 15 seconds with a run
Even better…should get it to 7-9 seconds left
Joe
oh my [DURGA] the texans are gonna win!!! i cna’t believe it!!!
vballretired
Hold it right there
Patrick
Joe, no! Stop!
Wait!
Never mind.
l4blitzer
Frank Ross’ punt protection has to play their greatest game of all time on this one…Colts bringing the entire state of Indiana after this punt
Patrick
TEXANS GONNA WIN THE FOOTBALL GAME! TEXANS GONNA WIN THE FOOTBALL GAME!
l4blitzer
Was going to say to take the safety,….which they did
vballretired
There will be five more questions
Joe
funny way to end the regular season haha
HOU GIVES UP THE SAFETY: HOU 23 – IND 19; 0:01, 4th
l4blitzer
Ok, the Free Kick needs to be the greatest free kick in Johnston’s career
Kenneth L.
He should have punted the ball
Like why not?
l4blitzer
If he could have held the ball one more second….it really works. Still, I’ll trust Frank Ross and the kick coverage
Patrick
They ran time off the clock which is more important than the points right now.
FINAL: HOU 23 – IND 19; HOU MOVES TO 10-7 AND AWAITS SUNDAY’S RESULTS TO FIGURE OUT WHO AND WHERE THEY PLAY NEXT WEEKEND….YES, HOUSTON IS GOING TO THE MOTHER[KITTEN] PLAYOFFS!!!! (Update: By virtue of the Titans’ 28-20 victory over the Jaguars, the Houston Texans completed a worst to first story and won their seventh division title in franchise history.)
Joe
TEXANS WIN!!! TEXANS WIN!!! IT’S PARTY TIME!!! THEY’RE GOING TO THE PLAYOFFS AND THEY DESERVE IT!! I DON’T CARE IF THEY WERE LUCKY AND MADE TOO MANY MISTAKES OR WHATEVER ELSE THEY WANNA SAY, THE TEXANS HAVE MADE IT!!!!
Kenneth L.
playoffs playoffs
vballretired
Ok, week 19 of BRB coverage coming up
Kenneth L.
WE ARE GOING TO THE PLAYOFFS
l4blitzer
Wait, does this mean we have to cheer for the BE-SFs tomorrow? [LOUD RETCHING NOISES]…Ok, I guess I’ll allow it
Joe
CJ Stroud was fantastic again, the defense was good (except for the run), and they made big plays and got lucky when they needed it! they have everything a playoff team needs, and they’re dangerous!
screw the colts!
l4blitzer
Hey, Ryans has the best rookie season for a head coach since….that BO’B dude…eh, it is far superior
vballretired
But we play the Browns if they won. I’d rather not play them again
l4blitzer
Browns would be tough, but we will have Stroud back…and Anderson for that matter…maybe Greenard. If we can get those three back on the field, we might have a better shot.
GAME BALLS:
WR Nico Collins: Nine receptions, 195 yards and one massive TD would be enough of a stat-line for this honor by itself. Yet, the way that Collins played is what stands out. Along with the massive 75 yard TD to start the game, he was the primary offensive weapon for Stroud. Usually, Collins put up those numbers at NRG this season. On this night, he made Lucas Oil his home. Additionally, he had a couple of receptions when he channeled his inner Mark Bavaro and trucked a couple of Colts’ defensive backs trying to tackle him. His two long receptions on the go-ahead TD drive were perhaps his best receptions of the season. Understatement of the season: This was a breakout campaign for Collins.
QB CJ Stroud: At this point, what more can you say about the Offensive Rookie of the Year? 20 of 26 for 264 yards and two TD/zero INTs, which is a nice stat-line. However, just how he ran the offense in this most pressure-packed of games shows why there is so much optimism about him. Especially at Lucas Oil Stadium, which has been a house of horrors for Houston, he was as cool and calm as you can imagine. He even contributed some key scrambles, all while protecting himself. Historically, rookies don’t tend to do well in the playoffs, but Stroud is not your ordinary rookie.
Houston’s Third Down and Red Zone Defense: Maybe Ryans and Burke don’t want to call their defensive philosophy bend-but-don’t-break, but that is what it works out to, and it was super effective in that department. For all the rushing yards (227) that Houston surrendered, the Colts could only score 16 offensive points. The Texans held the Colts to 1/11 on third downs, and three Colts’ red zone trips resulted in only six points. Set aside the long TD run from Taylor, and the Texans’ defense held up incredibly well.
RB Jonathan Taylor (Colts): To paraphrase Churchill, “across the gulf of conflict, I salute you.” If you wondered why the Colts would pay Taylor $42M over the next three years, replay the game tape from this one. Taylor ran all over what up to this point has been a strong run defense in Houston. 30 carries for 188 yards. On a night when the Colts could not stop Stroud and when Minshew had significant trouble throwing the ball, Taylor nearly ran the Colts into the playoffs single-handedly. Even when he left for injury, he came back, and was not the explosive back that galloped for the 49 yard third quarter TD, but he methodically ran over Houston to get the Colts into scoring position. Why he wasn’t on the field for that fourth and one? Well, fortunately for Houston, that is a question the Colts will spend the off-season trying to answer.
SHOULD BE FORCED TO LISTEN TO JIM IRSAY’S GUITAR RIFFS AND WATCH HIS OLD MAN DANCING MOVES ON REPEAT FOR A FULL WEEK:
Texans Penalties: Sure, we can give the refs some blame, ‘cause why not? However, 11 penalties for 69 yards makes a game way more difficult than necessary. Unfortunately for Houston, many of them were self-inflected. Two false starts by Tunsil and a needless helmet-to-helmet hit by King did not help matters. First down penalties put the Texans behind the chains in the fourth quarter, only to see Stroud bail the offense out on the follow-up second downs. Some of that could be attributed to a young team in a pressure packed game, and Lucas Oil was loud. Still, if Houston wants to hope of moving forward, they can’t have a double-digit flag game in the playoffs.
The Entire Jacksonville Franchise: At one point in the season, the Jags were 8-3, and had legitimate visions of the top overall seed in the AFC. They finished 9-8 and out of the playoffs. They gifted a team that this time last year was thinking why they didn’t finish with the #1 overall pick a division title and a home playoff game. This, after they had practically the same thing happen last season with the Titans. Hopefully, Houston can break that trend, but this is going to be a loooonnnnggg off-season in Duval. However, y’all do get our thanks from Houston.
Thus, we conclude the regular season version of Hair of the Dog. Yet, the season is far from over. Houston gets another home game. This time, it is a return visit from Cleveland. In the finest NFL tradition, the Texans open the playoffs at home in the Saturday afternoon time slot, on NBC/Peacock this Saturday at 3:30 CST. See y’all there.