
Can a team win and lose at the same time in the same game? Yes.
What can you say about this game? After a season of nearly unwatchable football, where the QB position was such a liability, the Texans manage to save the best for last. A game between two stumbling, bumbling teams that probably would have been better served as a double-forfeit to improve draft position and allow the players to get started on their off-season early somehow turns into arguably the game of the day. Mills nearly goes for 300 yards passing and completes his second fourth quarter comeback win in the last three weeks. Houston logs just its fourth win in Indy in 20 years and its first against the Colts overall since 2019.
Yet, the majority of Texans fans, at least those that still have any bandwidth to care, are NOT happy, as this comeback 32-31 win, coupled with Chicago’s listless 29-13 loss to playoff bound Minnesota, gave Chicago the first pick and moved the Texans to the second slot. One could wonder if George Orwell could summarize this game, for a Texans’ win was actually a Texans’ lost (related to the #1 overall pick). Maybe, maybe not. The #1 pick is not the gateway to a Super Bowl (see the Texans in 2002, 2006 and 2014). However, we will have plenty of time to argue that point, and many others.
With the 2022 season done, the real action for the Texans can begin. Does Lovie Smith and staff return? Are the Texans looking for a new GM? What will they do with the #2 pick? Could they still somehow end up with Bryce Young, CJ Stroud, Will Levis, or will they do something completely different? What about all the cap space they will actually have, combined with the draft picks and some of the promising new players? Fortunately, there will be plenty of off-season to answer all of those questions, and likely that drama will be more interesting than most of the Texans’ games.
While we gear up for the “real” games, we at the Battle Red Blog Masthead offer one last chance to see what we all thought in real-time of the final game of the Texans 2022 campaign. We had our takes, some of which were quite animated, and there was more than liberal usage of words that most might consider unsuitable for polite company. As always, said words were replaced by [KITTEN] in classic HOTD tradition.
With that, we commence the last ‘Dog of the 2022 season (but first Dog of calendar year 2023):
HAIR OF THE DOG WEEK 18: HOUSTON TEXANS @ INDIANAPOLIS COLTS…Where winning is losing, and losing is winning.
vballretired
Do you find yourself watching a game no one wants to win? Do you find yourself rooting for utter failure? We recommend Bartesian. It mixes up to 50 different cocktails flawlessly. There is no reason you should do this sober. As always we urge you not to drive or operate power tools while enjoying Bartesian.
l4blitzer
Bartesian…we’ve plugged you for at least the last 3rd of the season. Where’s our endorsement check that will make all of us fabulously wealthy?
vballretired
Or at least pay for a draft party bash?
Just an aside and I’ll say this publicly, I openly wonder how hard he lobbied to stay. He has to know the score. He’s not an idiot. He may be many things but he’s not an idiot. How hard does he really want to fight for this?
l4blitzer
I suspect there is a measure of pride involved (not wanting to be jettisoned like Culley when Smith is a far superior head coach), and possibly some benefit compensation involved (what would the severance package look like if he gets canned on Black Monday)
vballretired
I suspect he gets it all.
It’s not like he’s coaching anywhere else after this. He’s not a young man. A large part of him probably wants to ride off into whatever sunset there is left.
We joke around here all the time and I enjoy snark as much as anyone else, but the thought that your decision on Lovie hasn’t been made is frightening to me. It’s not even so much what that decision is but nothing that happens today has any meaning. Sure, Lovie puts on a good face and says we care about this game but does anyone really believe him or think it matters if he’s being completely truthful? This decision should have been made already. Sure, don’t announce until later today or tomorrow but if you are still conflicted then this organization is truly lost.
Patrick
Wait, the Bears are playing Nathan Peterman today? THAT’S NOT FAIR!
l4blitzer
…All ‘bout that tank, that tank, no winnin’,…all ‘bout that tank, no winnin’
vballretired
We have to activate Kyle Allen stat. Fight fire with fire.
Patrick
Release the Allen!
vballretired
Anyone know what Billy Jo Tolliver is doing these days?
Would starting Oliver Luck be too obvious? Maybe Dave Ragone would be more subtle.
l4blitzer
Well, Davis Mills is starting, so we are playing a strong tank hand here…
vballretired
Yeah, play it straight I guess
That’s the longest note in history.
l4blitzer
Or, we could just bust out Chris Chandler…couldn’t hurt.
vballretired
I’m so happy to be here to witness this with you guys.
l4blitzer
Was reading some other previews of the game and some actual analysts, for the 1st time that I can remember, picked this game a tie. I hope it is as stupid a tie as theoretically possible.
vballretired
Continuous clock?
We get the ball first. Yay!
Patrick
Showtime.
vballretired
[KITTEN]
It would be so Texans for people that won’t be here to decide this game.
1ST QUARTER: HOU POSSESSION
vballretired
We are driving. Of course.
l4blitzer
Uh, Texans…psst, Texans. Moving the ball this well is not usually how you lose games.
Patrick
“Patrick, you’re drinking and it’s only 10 am, are the Texans doing that badly?” Me, in tears: No, they got a touchdown on their opening drive.
vballretired
Lovie knows he’s gone. He doesn’t give a kitten
Touchdown to Cooks.
Patrick
Oh for [KITTEN]’s sake. STOP TRYING!
vballretired
Okay, let’s say Cooks catches ten balls and two TDS. Maybe some team gives up a second rounder.
DAVIS MILLS WITH THE 11 YARD TD TO BRANDIN COOKS; HOU 7 – IND 0; 11:17, 1ST
Patrick
A third maybe, I think he might be too old for a second.
vballretired
Either way, maybe that’s a positive from this fiasco.
l4blitzer
What is Cooks owed next season. $9M guaranteed? Might make it easier to move him this time
Patrick
Touchdown Vikings. Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh.
vballretired
Of course, we can’t win when we are trying to it shouldn’t be a shock that we can’t lose when we need to.
l4blitzer
Wha…wha…wha happened. The Vikes had a 2nd and 12 in their own territory at last check? Oh, right. The Bears have the Peterman.
He doesn’t play defense, but it doesn’t matter. The Peterman permeates all with dispair and defeat
Patrick
Our defense should be 11 guys constantly tripping on the turf.
vballretired
Fumble. Of course. The Colts are just better at this than us.
IND POSSESSION
Patrick
THE COLTS [KITTEN]ING FUMBLED THEIR OWN GUY!
THIS IS COLLUSION!
vballretired
Okay, that throw looks familiar
THE FIGHTIN’ SATURDAYS DO THEIR COACH PROUD BY FUMBLING THE KICKOFF RETURN. HOU POSSESSION AT THE PONY 18
vballretired
Okay, now we are getting in gear
l4blitzer
Busting out the galloping giraffe…not holding anything back here.
vballretired
10-0 good guys?
Patrick
I swear upon all that is holy they knocked the ball out of their own guy’s hands on purpose.
vballretired
The Colts are just running a masters class in sucking.
FAIRBARIN WITH THE 37 YARD FG: HOU 10 – IND 0, HOU FANS DESPONDENT; 9:40, 1ST
Carlos Flores
Texans are Texansing so hard right now
vballretired
We’ve been talking about it for weeks. They are actually practicing it and getting good at it.
l4blitzer
You knew it had to happen this way. You just knew it had to…
Patrick
Would it have killed Fairbairn to suddenly get confused about direction and try to kick the field goal through the opposing team’s uprights?
Just once?
vballretired
Soccer is under the bar, that would have been impressive
l4blitzer
How would you score that? I mean, it would be a 64 yarder, so impressive, but not record holding…hey, that’s why! Not a record derp. If not a record, Fairbairn ain’t doing it.
An own FG? I guess it is scored as 3 points…
Patrick
You’re telling me there’s a record for kicking through the opponent’s uprights? He’d be the only player in HISTORY to [KITTEN] up that bad.
vballretired
How about hitting a fan and spilling his beer?
l4blitzer
I was thinking more distance. 66 is the current record.
Patrick
Colts fan or Texans fan?
l4blitzer
Does it matter today?
IND POSSESSION
Patrick
Depends on which is funnier.
vballretired
Ok, this is clutch defense
Patrick
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, that feels so much more comfortable now.
vballretired
If it’s while he’s drinking it’s a bonus
l4blitzer
Well, I guess we are gettin’ the Sharknado game…one where it is so bad, it is going to be good.
Patrick
Don’t you dare call that penalty right there!
I’ve been saying it all week, this could be the worst football game we’ve ever seen.
vballretired
Roll that clock
Patrick
That’s the defense I’ve been expecting, a poorly time offsides, thank you!
vballretired
Now that’s a clutch penalty….these guys are starting to figure this out.
l4blitzer
Pittman is in on the fix
Only for Collins to counter with his “fix”
Patrick
GO FOR IT YOU COWARDS!
vballretired
Anyone remember the King of the Hill episode where they let the kid with the torn ACL score?
l4blitzer
Our _efense is finding the range now.
vballretired
Oh good [DURGA]
l4blitzer
Vikings driving on Da Bears again
vballretired
We will have to do this ourselves
Clutch penalty again
Embrace the stupid
Patrick
Helmet to helmet?
vballretired
Unnecessary stupidity
Patrick
Unnecessary roughness against Houston, thank Durga.
I missed that one, VBall.
l4blitzer
Or…or…should that read “necessary” roughness, given the objective of today’s matchup?
vballretired
Touche’
Patrick
“Perfectly adequate roughness” against the defense.
vballretired
Nice touchdown Colts
Patrick
Whew.
vballretired
It’s on boys
l4blitzer
Or, is Caserio in the headset of the defense…”commit the penalties. Make the late hit…”
EHLINGER 1YD PASS TO PITTMAN; IND 7 – HOU 10; TEXANS PERCENTAGE TO LOSE THE #1 PICK DOWN TO 75.8%; 3:56, 1ST
vballretired
We need to respond with our own fumbled kickoff. Who do you nominate to collide with Tavierre Thomas?
l4blitzer
Davis Mills has been scrambling more this season. Time to unleash him on special teams
vballretired
Come on Smith. Return that.
Patrick
Make him the kicker? Sure, why not.
vballretired
Stagger Lee
l4blitzer
Vikings fumbled and Bears on the move
Patrick
Let Kyle Allen run off the sideline and have him collide with Thomas.
HOU POSSESION
Patrick
Lucas Oil Stadium is such an odd looking stadium, it’s not just me, right?
vballretired
Who was that guy in the Cotton Bowl that did that in like 1950?
Patrick
Wasn’t he an Aggie or something?
vballretired
May have been Rice
[KITTEN] Cooks is not playing along
Patrick
Maybe putting Brandin “I just want to win” Cooks in for the most important game of the tank wasn’t the brightest idea.
l4blitzer
Well, Cooks hasn’t been happy with the team. His way of paying the team back, no?
vballretired
Patrick hit it on the head
Patrick
That’s more like it
Much better.
I don’t blame him though, he’s gotta sell himself to whoever decides to sign him next.
vballretired
Count on Burkhead to know what to do
l4blitzer
Bears turn it over on downs. Vikes ball, up 6-0
IND POSSESION
vballretired
Eddie Cicotte couldn’t do better
l4blitzer
Coutee!!!! Should’ve run it back
Patrick
Coutee? Where?
vballretired
Punt returner for Indy
Patrick
Oh I totally missed that.
vballretired
90 yard TD run
Patrick
You were close.
vballretired
Well it still can be
If Ehlinger balls out I will agree to root for UT for one game next year (excluding TCU of course)
Patrick
If you root for UT against Houston next year, you’re fired.
vballretired
Point taken
END OF THE 1ST QUARTER: TEXANS 10 – COLTS 7; CHANCE TO CLINCH #2 PICK AT 74.7%
Patrick
I’m just kidding of course.
vballretired
Oh, I know. I am too
If we surrender 170 or more yards rushing the Texans will have surrendered the most rushing yards in my lifetime
Patrick
I believe in them.
vballretired
Harris looking good. [KITTEN] these rookies just don’t get it.
l4blitzer
The Christians with the sack
vballretired
Okay, we need one of those pick sixes
HOU POSSESSION
vballretired
Driskelcat
l4blitzer
Vikings inside the Bears’ 7
Patrick
BOO THESE MOTHER[KITTEN]ERS!
vballretired
Booing kittens won’t look right on the transcript [ED Note: Sometimes, but then sometimes kittens find away to destroy your furniture and holiday decorations, so there is that exception.]
[KITTEN] Cooks
Patrick
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
vballretired
Freeman with a clutch fumble. Thataboy Royce!,!!!
l4blitzer
On the other hand, what does this say about the Colts that they are playing like this against us? Indictment of Saturday, no?
FREEMAN WITH THE BIG FUMBLE; COLTS BALL AT THE IND 42
l4blitzer
Vikings up 13-0
vballretired
Ummm, I don’t know how to answer that.
We are now even on clutch fumbles
Kenneth L
I don’t like this
Patrick
MOTHER[KITTEN]ER, NO!
vballretired
Oh good [DURGA]. We just can’t compete on this level.
This is next level sucking
Patrick
Make the bad people stop!
vballretired
Greenard [KITTEN]
GREENARD WITH THE 39 YARD PICK SIX; HOU 17 – IND 7; TEXANS WITH OVER 85% CHANCE TO LOSE #1 PICK; 10:30; 2ND
vballretired
What does it say that we will be 3-2-1 against the South and 0-11 against everyone else?
IND POSSESSION
Kenneth L
this is inbelieveable
Patrick
That we have a sick sense of humor?
vballretired
Or Durga does
Patrick
It sounds like they might have benched Peterman.
vballretired
In favor of Mike Tomzack?
l4blitzer
Vikings back inside the Bears 10…again
Patrick
Beats me, I’m going off of Vikings Twitter.
vballretired
The kid from Necessary Roughness would be epic
l4blitzer
Welp, there is still a chance this will work for Houston…a chance
Kenneth L
As a diehard longhorn fan, I can say I’ve never rooted for Sam Elimgher harder
l4blitzer
16-0 Vikes
Kenneth L
Hahaha okay yay they picked it up
Patrick
boooooooooooooooooooo
Joe Critz
Texans are looking pretty good when the first overall pick is on the line haha
vballretired
Ugggg
[KITTEN] Ehlinger
Patrick
Maybe if we tell them next year that the first overall pick is on the line and they just need to lose to get it every week we might just go undefeated.
On a completely unrelated note: STOP THAT!
ONE OF THE CHRISTIAN LBS (KIRKSEY) WITH THE (unhelpful) INT; HOU POSSESSION AT HOU 20
Kenneth L
I’m going to scream
vballretired
You can talk about sucking or you can actually put in the work. Kudos to the Colts. They are performing on a completely different level.
This is like Baseball Southpark episode level of sucking.
Patrick
The Texans aren’t even that innovative at terrible football. This is depressing.
vballretired
No, Saturday is just a savant.
Kenneth L
This is a disaster
Patrick
This is like watching the Pro Bowl.
vballretired
I just had a feeling….
l4blitzer
Texans matriculating that ball down the field…and that is not quite so good news for once.
vballretired
You know Cal will do something stupid and use this as evidence to keep Lovie.
l4blitzer
and if Mills balls out like this…he gets another chance…at least in Cal’s mind.
TWO MINUTE WARNING
vballretired
Man that Pep Hamilton has something
Patrick
I mean y’all saw Cal at the game looking as disinterested in it as anything I’ve seen any toddler show disinterest in.
l4blitzer
Bears with a TD. 16-6 Vikes. Bears up to a 9.5% chance to squander the #1 overall pick
vballretired
Seems appropriate given the intellectual levels of the two involved
Patrick
Just saw the 2014 AFC Finalist banner and I suddenly feel better about being a Texans fan.
vballretired
No catch
Patrick
At least we don’t have an 2016 AFC Sixth Place Finalist banner hanging at NRG.
vballretired
Can we get a 2022 top five in AFC South banner?
l4blitzer
Just so long as the Texans don’t go with the “Champions of Life” banner, it will be fine.
Play under review…please stand by…please stand by…please stand by
Patrick
If they do that, I’m done. I don’t care if I do get paid to watch them.
Kenneth L
We we out here making toe tap catches I can’t do this anymore
vballretired
How many of these guys are 2023 Texans? Like they care about your tanking strategy?
Patrick
They have the Bills/Pats game on right next to the Texans and I keep getting confused and watching the Bills play and sadly realizing that my team is another screen away.
l4blitzer
Please stand by…please stand by…please stand by…oh, it is a completion…you can resume your swearing
Patrick
[KITTEN], Texans ball.
vballretired
Clutch block by Cann
They are wearing out their welcome with random precision.
l4blitzer
“The Texans can ill-afford to go backwards…” No Ware, today, they can very much afford to go backwards
IND POSSESSION
vballretired
They will need to up their suck game numerous notches
Patrick
Texans fans: We’d actually prefer it today if they did go backwards, Andre.
I think Watson got benched?
vballretired
The Colts have come to suck
Patrick
Like THAT Watson in Cleveland.
l4blitzer
:::maniacal laughter at that statement about Watson::
vballretired
A win does what for Cleveland?
Patrick
Worsens our second draft pick, but that’s about it.
vballretired
Ok, nice run defense
Patrick
Oh, Watson’s back in. Dang, I would’ve loved it if he got benched.
vballretired
Boy the Colts are just bad
Patrick
That either team has double digit points is an indictment of this game.
HALFTIME: HOU 17 – IND 7; HOU FAN RAGE LEVEL HIGH; BRYCE YOUNG RELIEF LEVEL HIGH; WILL LEVIS TO TEXANS PIPELINE CHANCES WAY UP
HALFTIME REACTIONS
Kenneth L
I’m going to cry
Patrick
I’m going to vomit
vballretired
Here’s my honest plea. Please someone tell Cal this is not impressive. The Colts are comically bad
How cosmically comical would it be to lose and trade up for number one when all you had to do was suck?
I meant win but I think everyone gets we are in upside down world
Patrick
This game is the upside-down so I think anything we say about wanting the Texans to suck should be put in THAT context.
vballretired
Let’s just say this. Everyone wants the Texans to play well. This isn’t playing well. It’s just playing less bad than they are.
l4blitzer
Of course the Texans would play in a way that would upset most of the fans. Normally beating the tar out of the Colts in their house is a good thing, especially to revel in the incompetence of Jeff Saturday, the worst possible coaching hire of any sports league this year. However, the loss of the #1 pick might sting. Granted, maybe the Texans get the player they most want/need. Chicago will be in good position if all results holds. For the players and coaches, ending the season with a win is a good thing. Just don’t expect a lot of fans to feel that way.
vballretired
Part of me is just angry at how much better the Bears have been at sucking.
l4blitzer
Only 16-6 at the half in Chicago. Min derped a FG at the end of the half with a Too-Many-Men on the field penalty
vballretired
Ultimately the Titans win will be the back breaker
l4blitzer
Go figure, the Texans season lasted longer than the Titans…nice
Kenneth L
Agreed. The bears are doing this well
3RD QUARTER: IND POSSESSION
vballretired
Our run defense coming up huge
l4blitzer
Apparently the Colts are not ready to surrender that #1 to Chicago yet.
vballretired
But clutch penalty for Indy
Patrick
That’s more like it.
vballretired
That was the worst coverage I’ve ever seen
Key drop there
Kenneth L
LETS RIDE
Patrick
Just. Run. The. Ball. Indy. That’s all you need to do run the [KITTEN] ball.
l4blitzer
But Saturday is coaching, so such logic is not well-ingrained
vballretired
Ehlinger is just next level awful
Offsides I think
l4blitzer
5-D Chess…Texans baiting the Ponies to go for the TD and increase the chances for clinching the #1 pick
vballretired
It’s tempting
Oh hell yes!
l4blitzer
Vikings back inside the Bears Red Zone again
vballretired
But the Ehlinger suck takes over
Patrick
Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh…
YOU JUST HAD TO RUN THE [KITTEN]ING BALL!
Kenneth L
This blows
vballretired
That’s if you’re really interested in winning though
TEXANS TRYING TO HELP THE COLTS OUT, BUT EHLINGER WITH THE INCOMPLETE PASS; HOU BALL AT THE HOU 3
vballretired
If you’re interested in kind of sort of looking like you kinda wanna win then you go with Ehlinger.
Kenneth L
This is [KITTEN]ing horrific
Someone will need to blur out my messages I’m sorry
Jeff Saturday is the worst coach of all time
l4blitzer
Winning is Losing; victory is defeat…are we sure the Texans aren’t the official football team of Oceana?
Patrick
Over David Culley?
vballretired
It’s a clinic in bad football. I mean it’s breathtaking as an artistic medium.
Patrick
It was a bright cold day in Indiana as the clocks all struck 13.
vballretired
The score stood but two to four with an inning left to play
Pittsburgh beating Cleveland
Patrick
I was quoting the first line from 1984, what were YOU doing?
vballretired
Dennis Millers rendition of Casey at the Bat
l4blitzer
Vikings up 23-6
vballretired
Mother trucker
Anyone picture Lovie as Bruce Willis in Pulp Fiction to Cal McNair as Marciles Wallace on the street?
l4blitzer
Mills offering some hope
IND POSSESSION
vballretired
“You feel that? That’s pride [KITTEN]ing with ya.”
Clutch face mask
Just run the ball you idiots
l4blitzer
Penalties are rewards; yardage surrendered is for the greater good
vballretired
Look at that
Patrick
C’mon all penalty defense!
vballretired
You guys are stepping up your game. I’m impressed
Oh glorious!!!!!!!
Patrick
THERE’S HOPE! THERE’S HOPE!
vballretired
Ladies and gentlemen, nothing is as clutch as the Texans run defense.
Jonathan Owens with next level bad tackling
ZACH MOSS WITH THE CLUTCH 15 YARD TD RUN; TEXAS WITH A 29% CHANCE TO CLINCH THE #1 PICK; 6:40, 3RD
vballretired
Okay Mills. We are counting on you.
Kenneth L
C’mon boys
Lose
Lose
Lose
Patrick
l4blitzer
So, assuming the Texans come through in the clutch and wrap up the #1 pick; what number to do you think Will Levis will wear?
vballretired
155 yards rushing for the Colts. Come on, finish us off.
vballretired
69
HOU POSSESSION
Patrick
vballretired
Come on Freeman. Let’s have another fumble
Come on Colts
l4blitzer
Bears cut the deficit to 23-13
Patrick
No, Teagan, this is not something to be happy about!
l4blitzer
Universe: Texans are only up 3 and the Bears cut the lead to 10…time for a 52 yard play
vballretired
The pick six needs more flair
Kenneth L
This is horrible
vballretired
Oh come on Colts
Kenneth L
I really want Teagan to do well, just not today
Patrick
You numbnuts couldn’t do that the entire [KITTEN]ing season and you choose NOW TO START MAKING CLUTCH CATCHES WHEN IT ABSOLUTELY BEHOOVES US NOT TO [KITTEN]ING MAKE THOSE CATCHES??!?!?!?!?!?!
Kenneth L
Yay Pittsburgh
I hate this team
vballretired
Hey we sucked in the fourth quarter of game one so…..
MILLS HEARS THE CHEERS OF THE TEXANS FANS…AND CHANGES THEM TO BOOS WITH THE 19 YARD TD TO JORDAN AKINS; HOU 24- IND 14; 3:51; 3RD
vballretired
May I suggest Bartesian?
l4blitzer
Welp, picked the wrong year to do a Dry January…
vballretired
More awe inspiring play from the Colts
IND POSSESION
l4blitzer
Vikings with their backup in…maybe a chance…maybe?
vballretired
That was pathetic. They were just toying with us
Patrick
Hey look, a former Colt who is already on staff as an assistant coach, let’s totally NOT make him the head coach and see what this dude who was literally retired has in him.
A coaching decision so dumb I would’ve expected the Texans to do it.
vballretired
The Colts are just better at this. You think you’re a dumpster fire? Hold my beer.
l4blitzer
The Athletic had a pretty interesting article on why Irsay for the Colts made the move he did. Felt burned by the struggles of last season and how the team hasn’t been able to replace Andrew Luck, thus taking the hands-on role that brought us Saturday
HOU POSSESSION
Patrick
[KITTEN], it hit the ground.
l4blitzer
Again, Mills is so bad that he can’t even throw catchable interceptions
vballretired
What sucks is that we aren’t winning due to competence.
Pick six!!!!!!! Glorious!!!!!
Patrick
I’M SO HAPPY!!!!
I was screaming “don’t you [KITTEN]ing dare tackle him Davis Mills, don’t you [KITTEN]ing dare.”
vballretired
Clutch non tackle from Mills too. That’s the extra effort.
Kenneth L
Hahahahahahahahahahahah
MURAHAHAHAHAH
we are being set up so hard
vballretired
This has been an entertaining game of ineptitude. My hats off to you guys. Good show.
DAVIS MILLS SERVES UP THE 26 YARD PICK SIX TO MCCLOUD; IND 21 – HOU 24; HOU WITH A 29% TO CLINCH THE #1 PICK; 0:52; 3RD
l4bliter
Vikings up 26-13
HOU POSSESSION
vballretired
How either coach keeps a straight face in the postgame presser is beyond me
That was a spectacular throw
l4blitzer
Our percentage to get the #1 pick is over 30% now
vballretired
Another pick!!!!!Glorious!
Patrick
DAVIS MILLS YOU BEAUTIFUL BASTARD YOU! I COULD [KITTEN]ING KISS YOU RIGHT NOW.
vballretired
This Mills kid can play
Kenneth L
Tv just showed a picture of Cal McNair sitting in an entire suite with just his wife and son. The rest of the suite was empty. That’s a metaphor for something.
vballretired
If he were sleeping….
MILLS THROWS ANOTHER INT; IND BALL; END OF THE 3RD; HOU 24- IND 21
Patrick
Was he actually watching the game? Because I’ll be surprised if he was watching the game.
vballretired
Fourth quarter. It’s our time!
His eyes were open and facing the field of play. So…
l4blitzer
To be ahead is to be behind; to fail is to succeed
vballretired
To be early is to be late.
Okay, new rushing yards allowed record
l4blitzer
Percentage to clinch the #1 pick is up to 39%
vballretired
Go Steelers
Patrick
Go Steelers, but go Dolphins too I guess.
vballretired
All levels of stupid right there
Good show Hughes
Patrick
See, Jerry Hughes gets it. He’s probably the only guy who shouldn’t but he gets it.
vballretired
Nice throw Ehlinger
l4blitzer
Ah, an Eric M***y sighting. Texans busting out their secret weapons
vballretired
I’m loving this
Run the ball you morons
Patrick
The ultimate secret tanking weapon: Eric Murray.
vballretired
Like Kyles cousin in South Park
l4blitzer
We are now at a 50% chance to clinch the #1 pick
vballretired
Touchdown!!!!!!!!!!!!
Patrick
THANK YOU DURGA!
vballretired
28-24 Saturdays
Patrick
Praise Durga and pass the ammunition.
vballretired
Still a lot of time on that clock. Don’t let up now
Kenneth L
This is amazing
EHLINGER WITH THE 4 YARD TD PASS TO ALIE-COX; IND 28 – HOU 24; HOU WITH A 63.5% CHANCE TO CLINCH THE #1 PICK; 10:30; 4TH
vballretired
Kneel down. Don’t take a chance.
Patrick
l4blitzer
Let’s see the clutch quick kick on 1st Down
vballretired
Stagger Lee
Which QB can suck more down the stretch?
l4blitzer
With Mills throwing back to back INTs, I think the Texans have the decided edge here.
vballretired
It’s neck and neck (pun intended)
HOU POSSESSION
vballretired
Alright. Let’s go
l4blitzer
Well, it is the last quarter of the season…can’t hold nothin’ back
vballretired
Coutee trying
Patrick
Just run the ball Colts and be done with it.
Kenneth L
I’m crying hahahaha
IND POSSESSION
Kenneth L
Pats just ran one of the worst 2 point conversions low key
l4blitzer
When you put your offensive game plan in the hands of Matt Patricia, is it any surprise that such plays wouldn’t work?
Kenneth L
I’m disappointed by him
Patrick
We have an offense in the hands of a guy named Pep, I’m not sure how much we can criticize.
Kenneth L
I thought he’d be better
vballretired
Well he couldn’t run a defense in Detroit so maybe….
Pitre likely done.
Okay, roll them chains
Patrick
Best thing for him, no sense in him trying to kill himself on defense if we shouldn’t even be trying to play defense.
C’mon baby horses, [KITTEN] our [KITTEN] up already.
You know you want to.
vballretired
Let’s do this thang
l4blitzer
If it means that Irsay will keep Saturday on staff for next season, do it.
vballretired
Another first down. Sleeper hold….
Another first down. Keep it on the ground
Patrick
At what point, when you’re being suffocated by a Burmese python, do you stop struggling and just accept that the python just really wants a hug?
l4blitzer
Up to 83% chance to get that #1 pick
vballretired
One more first down
Patrick
C’mon pass interference, you know you wanna, refs.
vballretired
Come on Ehlinger
Patrick
They’re doing the wave in Indy. [KITTEN] them.
l4blitzer
Saturday…you were a lineman in the day. Lineman like running the ball. Keep running the ball
vballretired
Field goal?
Yes!!!!!!!!!!
Patrick
I’ll take it.
vballretired
31-24 Saturdays
Patrick
Well I don’t think we’re going to get any help from the Bears here so the first overall pick is ours to [KITTEN] up.
vballretired
I think this fourth quarter has been a fitting end to this season
MCLAUGHLIN WITH THE 54 YARD FG: IND 31 – HOU 24; HOU WITH OVER 87% CHANCE TO GET THE #1 PICK; 3:33; 4TH
Kenneth L
LETS RIDE WITH THE MOB
gorgeous kick
One more pick six baby
vballretired
Glorious
l4blitzer
29-13 Vikings
Kenneth L
This loss in my veins
vballretired
Patrick
I hope Deshaun Watson [we interrupt this screed because it will not be posted in HOTD. Instead we hope you find a picture of a fox sniffing a daffodil in its place. Thank you, MGMT]
ED Note:
HOU POSSESSION
vballretired
Stop this
Patrick
Don’t. You. Dare.
vballretired
Intended for Jim Sideline
[KITTEN]
TWO MINUTE WARNING; TEXANS STILL HOLDING AN 82.7% CHANCE TO CLINCH THE #1 OVERALL PICK
vballretired
Nice job Cann
Okay. This is looking better
Patrick
Much better.
vballretired
Nice to Burkhead
I love that he’s on the field. Pep is bringing his A game.
Patrick
See one moment I think they don’t fully understand the whole tanking thing but then they do something like that and now I’m confused again.
l4blitzer
94% chance to clinch the #1 pick
vballretired
[KITTEN]
Patrick
[KIITTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEENN!]
vballretired
Why is he on the field?
Kenneth L
l4blitzer
Play under review…please stand by…please stand by….please stand by…please stand by…please stand by
Patrick
What is there to review?
vballretired
Kenneth L
Ighhh
Why even catch that bro
vballretired
[KITTEN]
Patrick
Oh [DURGA] I can’t even.
l4blitzer
Now, if the Texans get into the end zone, which is likely because the universe is cruel and harsh, do we want the Texans to go for 2, or play for the well-deserved tie?
vballretired
Ok that’s more like it
Patrick
Tie. It’s a lovely bookend on the season.
vballretired
Down goes Mills. Down goes Mills.
l4blitzer
There’s the 4th quarter Mills we all know and love.
Patrick
I swear if they convert on 4th and 20 I’m going to strangle Davis Mills like a Burmese python.
vballretired
What in the hell was that?
Kenneth L
Hahahahah
Patrick
No [KITTEN]ing way.
vballretired
Texans going for two
Ah the stupid it burns
DAVIS MILLS TO JORDAN AKINS FOR THE 28 YARD TD; HOU 30 – IND 31; 0:50; 4TH…PENDING THE POINT AFTER
Kenneth L
Unbelievable
vballretired
That was absolutely the dumbest play I’ve ever seen
Of course. Of course
l4blitzer
Final in Chicago: MIN 29 – CHI 13
vballretired
Okay they can still do this
MILLS WITH THE 2 POINT CONVERSION PASS TO JORDAN AKINS: HOU 32 – IND 31; CHICAGO CURRENTLY WITH THE #1 PICK
Kenneth L
I can’t believe this
Patrick
Un-[KITTEN]ing-real.
Kenneth L
We just gave away the first pick
vballretired
Talk about rip your heart out from your chest
Kenneth L
I’m dumbfounded
l4blitzer
The one time the Texans with a possible last minute win…and a majority of the fanbase is irate about that.
vballretired
How do you not knock that TD pass down?
IND POSSESSION
vballretired
Pittsburgh wins
l4blitzer
11-6 isn’t a scorigami, is it?
vballretired
Enjoy C.J. Stroud
Patrick
Just let me die.
l4blitzer
Nope, 11-6 has happened before today. Still, strange score for NYJ-MIA
Of course it would be like this…of course it would.
vballretired
Shades of 2013
Patrick
Of course they [KITTEN]ed it up. [DURGA][KITTEN] [KITTEN]ups to their very [KITTEN]ing core.
vballretired
Motherficker
It’s like bizarro backwards world
FINAL: HOU 32 – IND 31; HOU WITH THE #2 PICK IN THE DRAFT. JUST LIKE WE ALL FIGURED IT WOULD END
vballretired
Man I’m just numb
Patrick
vballretired
l4blitzer
For some reason, the concept of Pyrrhic Victory is rolling around in my head. I really don’t know why…
vballretired
Didn’t we give up a stupid Hail Mary in Jacksonville in like 2010? I think I felt the same then
Joe Critz
This game is hilarious
At least Davis mills gets exciting final game as a starter, at least for awhile
vballretired
Ignoring the negative consequences, that was a hilariously poorly played game by all units on both sides.
l4blitzer
It couldn’t have ended any other way.
GAME BALLS: There is the temptation that since the Texans won the one game they probably shouldn’t have, no one is worthy of a Game Ball. However, that is a disservice to some of the players who actually balled out today. Some may remain on the team, and it may be the last hurrah for others. Still, players play, and “tanking” is not in their nature. So, to honor a couple of guys:
- QB Davis Mills: Perhaps the biggest single contributor to much of the negative for this squad, Mills showcased the good, bad and ugly of his career in this game. Making good passes, especially to Brandin Cooks early on in the game, but then somehow going back-to-back drives with INTs, turning a 10-point 3rd quarter lead into a 4-point 4th quarter deficit. However, after spotting the Colts a 7-point lead, he moved the Texans down the field, converting on a 4th and 20 with under a minute to Jordan Akins for not only the TD to pull the team within one, but also finding him for the two-point conversion to win the game. This does not change the fact that Mills ain’t the answer as the Texans’ long-term QB option. However, it is a good way for him to end the season, and set him up as a coveted back-up, for Houston, or somewhere else.
- TE Jordan Akins: He had the two biggest receptions for the Texans this day, with his TD catch and 2-point conversion. This was part of his 4 reception/70 yards/2 TD game. This is a good springboard for perhaps being a future weapon for the Texans, whomever will throw him the balls. Plus, always a good way to end the year with a game-winning “Octopus”
- Head Coach Lovie Smith: Perhaps he could have just mailed it in, collected his severance, and gotten on with life. We don’t know exactly how that meeting with Cal McNair went earlier this week, and after the lifeless effort against Jacksonville at home last week, you could’ve been forgiven for thinking that the Texans would just go through the motions, play a lazy game, and find away to do what they usually do at Indy: Lose. Instead, the Texans came out hot, and then, when faced with a moment of truth, Lovie didn’t play conservative, he went for the kill shot. There is much to criticize about Lovie and the overall coaching job this season, but for this game, the Texans did not quit, and came out to stick to everyone. [NOTE: This game ball was awarded prior to the news that the Texans fired Smith late Sunday night. Thus, this HOTD is a lovely parting gift for his year of service as the head man]
SHOULD BE FORCED TO CLEAN UP JIM IRSAY’S BAR AFTER HE GOES OFF ON LOSING TO THE TEXANS AT HOME IN THE WAY THEY DID:
- Texans GM Nick Caserio: Under different circumstances, I might not put him here, but there is more than a little rumbling that Caserio might follow Lovie out the door. Yes, he inherited the Easterby/O’Brien mess, and yes, an instant turnaround was not a given here. However, as the “Chosen One”, what have his teams produced: 2 Head Coaches over two seasons, and overseeing the worst 2-year stretch in Texans football history (7-27-1). Questionable roster and cap moves also hurt here, and while some of the draft picks from 2022 may pay dividends shortly (Pitre, Stingley, Harris, Pierce), Caserio should probably be further along than he is. Unfortunately, he didn’t get that #1 pick, and he may not be around to execute that #2 selection opportunity. Caserio isn’t solely responsible, but he doesn’t escape blame.
- Colts Coach Jeff Saturday: This man got the chance of a lifetime: an instant promotion to lead a NFL franchise, with a 7 game trial run with a receptive owner. What did Saturday deliver: a 1-6 record, which included giving up 33 points in a 4th quarter against Dallas and blowing the largest lead (33 points) in NFL history. It was clear that the team quit on him long before this game. Maybe there was some semblance of pride, and it didn’t hurt that the Texans are not good, but blowing the late 7-point lead the way they did, letting Davis Mills beat the Colts in the air, is inexcusable. Clearly, Saturday should be fired forthwith and never, ever allowed to wear even a costume NFL headset again. However, there is part of me that hopes that Irsay makes Saturday the full-time coach, if only because it would make the Colts more of a laughingstock than the Texans.
- The Owners: Cal McNair and Jim Irsay. They own the collective compost heap of what was on the field this day. These franchises were not too long ago operating as playoff contenders with Super Bowl aspirations. Now…despite the final score and the associated drama, this was the worst that the NFL has to offer. The prospects for improvement might be there, but with either of these two are calling the shots, I wouldn’t hold my breath looking for any significant improvement.
With that, we say farewell to the 2022 Season (at least for the Texans). A chaotic and intriguing off-season awaits the Texans. There are concerns, but there are…possibilities. Perhaps the moves will be made so that 2023 is not the exercise in painful, clinical analysis that was watching the Houston Texans in 2022. Still, a major shoutout to the fans and readers who came along for the ride this season. We know it wasn’t easy, but we appreciate your input and support. We certainly hope to bring you better news about a better team in 2023. Until then, keep safe, keep healthy, and gear up for the off-season and the future ahead.