Kansas City Referees advance to AFC Championship Game

A parody of sorts… maybe…

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

AMERICAN FOOTBALL CONFERENCE REFEREES ADVANCE TO CHAMPIONSHIP GAME

JUST ONE WIN FROM THE SUPER BOWL!

Despite the best efforts of DeMeco Ryans and his Houston Texans players and coaches, they couldn’t overcome the juggernaut that is Clay Martin and his NFL Officiating Crew this past Saturday.

Martin wasted no time affecting the outcome of the matchup by allowing an egregious hip-drop tackle against Texans tight end Dalton Schultz. The lack of a flag on the play was just what Schultz deserved for daring to catch a pass and advance it for a big gain.

Prior to the start of the 2024 NFL Season, league executives voiced a renewed focus on removing the dangerous hip-drop tackle from the game to lower the chances of needless player injury. The only caveat to this focus: if the hip-drop benefitted the Clay Martin-led Kansas City Chiefs.

NFL Officials (maybe)

We told the Texans before the game they better not try and win this one – or else. Apparently they didn’t listen. Well… we didn’t actually tell them outright but it was surely implied.

Unfortunately for Houston fans, the Texans continued to try and win the game, including a blatantly unnecessary attempt to force Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes to the ground. Thankfully, Mahomes was able to duck under the blitzing Texan Will Anderson Jr, forcing him to collide with a teammate instead.

Bonus points to Martin’s crew for enforcing the penalty on Anderson for daring to try and touch Mahomes.

Clay Martin (maybe)

Nobody tries to touch my Mahomie and gets away with it!

Thankfully Martin’s team was able to further protect Mahomie… err… Mahomes by allowing Kansas City’s offensive line to hold defenders whenever necessary with no risk of infraction.

Ever eagle-eyed, Martin and his team recognize the massiveness of Mahomes’ ego, which physically extends the size of his head well down into the chest area, making contact with his shoulder pads or sternum penalizable.

Thankfully for Martin and his peers, the script for a Chiefs win comes down from Vince McMahon Roger Goodell himself, who also happens to be the guy who signs their paychecks. If the boss told you to cheat, you’re just doing your job – integrity doesn’t pay the bills, right? Or beat the Buffalo Bills?

Not sure anyone has the real answer to this questionable parody, but can NFL refs win Super Bowl rings? It is all just entertainment for the masses… If insurance companies, pharmaceutical manufacturers, and the U.S. government can cheat the American people, why not the NFL?

When a three time Super Bowl winning quarterback calls out the dirt, it’s a good bet that things aren’t clean. And, when a Dallas Cowboy is taking the side of the Houston Texans, it’s an even better one.

— END PARODY —

All the jokes and such aside, the Texans missing their WR2 & 3 made it easy for any quality opposing defense to shut down Houston’s passing game. History shows 1-dimensional teams rarely advance far in the NFL playoffs. The Chiefs were the better team last weekend, and the amateurish officiating just soiled that win. The Kansas City Chiefs are now in the same environs was the Cheatgate New England Patriots – a good team that seemingly couldn’t win with integrity.

Worse still, the overwhelming voices from the NFL fanbase who are growing tired of referee-altered outcomes to games. Not just drunken voices from local bars, but professional journalists, sportscasters and captains of industry. This apparent WWE style NFL is clearly unsustainable.

Maybe it’s time the League paid an unbiased third party entity to provide the officials. Fat chance that happens. But in the end, it’s just a game. A childish distraction from the harsh realities of modern living.

Houston Texans fans: waiting for next season since 2002.