So this is totally how it happened…honestly…
HOUSTON – The 2025 NFL Year is two months along. For the 32 NFL franchises, the action has been fast and furious. So it was with the Houston Texans. Yet, we, the general public, really didn’t know what was going on with the inner workings of the Texans, or how they came to the decisions that they did…until now. Using our crack investigative team, and advanced technical means that are in no way unethical or might cause attendees at Black Hat to flinch, we got insider dirt on how this all went down.
When we talked with some unnamed staffers, and reassured them repeatedly that we would never leak their browser search history (so far as they know), they gave us quite the insider tale.
“Well, you see…you sure you won’t reveal that I like to surf [REDACTED] and check out [REDACTED]? Ok…well, it all started not too long after the season ended. [Texans owner Cal] Mr. McNair and his wife [Hannah McNair] were talking about how to improve upon the team. They knew that they couldn’t spend profligately, so they needed to tell [GM Nick] Caserio to be efficient and smart. So, we go this from Cal…
‘I know’ exclaimed Cal. ‘Let’s bring in DOGE! That’ll work!’
‘Cal? Honey? Dear…I thought we talked about not doing stupid [KITTEN] anymore…you know HE isn’t around…’
‘Relax. If it is good enough for the government, it is good enough for us. Besides, I heard at the owner meetings that Tennessee was wanting to be the first to…’
‘Hold IT!! That skank Strunk said WHAT!?!?!? FINE, bring in DOGE!!! Show up that [KITTENING] [KITTEN]!!!’
Photo by Wesley Hitt/Getty Images
The staffer continued:
“So, Cal brought in a “DOGE consultant. Figured by his screen name he must have been doing all that work in DC.”
“What was the name?” Our reporter interjected.
“We just called him by his LinkedIn screen name…GrabDem[KITTEN]. Guy set up an office near Nick. Not sure Caserio necessarily liked it, but he did deal with Jack Easterby all in his business for over a year.”
“So what did uh Grab, er, the guy recommend?”
The staffer went on:
“Interestingly enough, GrabDem was all about saving money. Called for firing all the offensive linemen, looking to save the Texans some money. Thought it might translate into a bonus for him.”
“Well, you saw what happened right as free agency kicked off. Depending on which accountant you talked to, we only had about a million (US Dollars) or so in cap space. We cut Shaq Mason, saved $2M. Traded away Kenyon Green, getting a draft pick and a defensive stalwart. Let guys like Eric Murray walk, Got Nico Collins to restructure. Savings reigned supreme.”
“Then we came to Tunsil. GrabDem wanted to outright fire him. Recommended that at 11 p.m. on a Saturday. Caserio, however, wasn’t buying. Sure, Tunsil carried the largest cap hit on the roster, and he didn’t have the best of seasons. Yet, to trade him? Caserio did get a number of draft picks. Didn’t get the replacement 1st rounders, but after Watson, can’t always hit Double-Zero back-to-back. Tunsil wasn’t thrilled at first, but when we told him that Maryland is a bit more liberal with CBD and he wouldn’t have to look over his shoulder for Andre Ware with a machete asking about another false start…he was good.”
Photo by Alex Slitz/Getty Images
“Interesting, so that explains a lot of the early moves?” Our reporter countered.
The staffer went on:
“Well, it seemed so at first. I mean, we let Eric Murray go. I know that (Defensive Coordinator Matt) Burke was so-so on the move, but he understood it as a business decision. However, Caserio and Burke seemed to go out of their way to keep GrabDem away from (Head Coach DeMeco) Ryans.”
When asked why, the staffer gave us a James-Harden side-eye and noted “Uh, you do know what Ryans has done to the last few ‘disappeared’ staffers?”
Admittedly, our people did hear rumors about several staffers suffering soul-killing injuries via multiple German Suplexes, ump-teen Spears and something called a Killer Kowalski Special…still, we only thought them rumors.
“Yeah, you only think they’re rumors.” retorted the staffer.
“So, anyway, back to the off-season. Houston is on a cost-cutting spree…only to then go wild…on the contract extensions. You saw the extension for Stingley. Reset the market, and made the DOGE dude cry in his Cybertruck. Then the Hunter extension…sure, all reasonable in the sense of decent extensions and it will get ahead of the market, but Mr. GrabDem DOGE-y was beside himself…screamed that Caserio had gone all [KITTEN]…but he ignored it.”
When asked how Caserio handled that, the response:
“Eh, he heard far worse from Belichick in New England…anyways, then things got even stranger…Then CJ [Stroud] calls. I don’t have the exact transcript, but I think that it went something like ‘Hey, Mr. Caserio. Just feel so blessed. First, want to thank God, ‘cause through him all things are possible. I just know He is working through you to help get me a good offensive line. I mean, I don’t know why you let Tunsil go, and why we spent all that money on defenders. But, as I trust Him, I’ll trust that He is working through you…’
After that call, suddenly, Houston signs all the offensive linemen to bargain deals. Robinson, half the O-line from the 2024 Vikings, two fat guys working the food truck down the street. Think what Caserio did with all of those linebackers back in 2021.”
When asked about how the staffer took this move, the staffer replied:
“Well, the DOGE guy said he could appreciate the lower prices, but he also opined that he could devise a system for the team to win without spending so much money on players. Said he would use some A1 programming to create offensive protection.”
“You mean, AI?”
“Nope. He kept repeating A1. Grok A1 is the key, etc. Still, I guess Nick and Burke were tolerating this…”
“What do you mean ‘were’? Did the DOGE consultant get fired or something?”
“Well, maybe fired isn’t the right word…You see, after all of the moves undertaken without DOGE approval, GrabDem got a little [KITTEN]hurt. Thus, demanded that everyone on the coaching staff provide him, GrabDem[KITTEN], weekly bullet points on why Houston shouldn’t fire them. At this point, Caserio and Burke just had enough. They took him to meet Coach Ryans.”
Photo by Tim Warner/Getty Images
“GrabDem barely had time to utter anything when Ryans roared ‘YOU WANTED ME TO GET RID OF AUTRY?!?!? YOU WANTED ME TO WEAKEN MY DEFENSE!?!? I NEED A BETTER DEFENSE. BETTER!!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!?!?! I DON’T CARE HOW MUCH IT COSTS!!!! WHAT PART OF THIS DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?!?!?! OH, AND YOU THINK I NEED TO GIVE YOU FIVE BULLET POINTS? I GOT FIVE WEAPONS: TWO FISTS, TWO FEET, AND A HEAD FULL OF STEEL AND RAGE!!! TRY ME MOTHER[KITTEN]!!!!’”
“GrabDem blubbered something efficiency…or at least he tried. Right up until Matt Burke popped in, commenting ‘Hey, GrabDem, why do you tell them that when we traded Kenyon Green, when you said a real head coach could’ve gotten Jalen Carter and a 3rd, not the lame 6th and Johnson?’”
“GrabDem only had time to go ‘Wha’ before Ryans leapt across the room and went absolutely berserk. I’d heard about what an angry Ryans could do, but sweet [DURGA], what Ryans did that day…roundhouse kicks, upcuts, every finishing move from Wrestlemania XVIII, a pair of pliers and a blowtorch…(staffer involuntarily shudders). Oh, and the screams…oh, the screams. At one point, the action got so brutal that Caserio had to enter Ryans’s office again.”
“What did Caserio do?”
“Just told him that this time, the office cleaning would come out of his salary. Ryans looked up for a moment, rage upon rage in his eyes…then he just nodded and went back to work.”
“Well, that is how it went down…at least as much as I know. Now, about that browser history…”
“Oh, did Cal say anything?”
“Cal? Nah! Don’t think he knows. Caserio just told Hannah that the guy was done. Told her we saved more money than the Titans, and she was happy. End of story.”
So, as the Texans gear up for the draft, questions remain. Who will Houston draft? Will the Texans further add to its defense? What are the cap ramifications? Can the organization go a few weeks without another massive bio-hazard clean-up? Stay tuned.