We can see the struggles on the field, but what about behind the scenes?
HOUSTON – By now, the new-season smell for the 2024 season has long worn off. Everyone has had a home stand and a road trip or two. There are some early stories of teams blowing well past expectations (hello Kansas City). Then there are teams that are, uh, not quite playing to expectations.
The latter seems to apply to the Houston Astros, who, for the 5th straight season, find themselves starting a season at least two games under .500. “I mean, are you really shocked?” noted one unnamed staffer in the Astros organization. “For a team that has been to seven straight ALCS, just how high do you expect this group to get for games in March and April?”
While most at Totally Not Fake News would agree with that sentiment, there is also a sense that some of the early season struggles of the Astros are more than just a team just trying to get back into the game.
“Look, these guys have been here, done that for years. No one is really overtly panicking, but after the past couple of weeks…well, there are few getting a tad bit uncomfortable.” Noted another unnamed staffer.
As Houston fell to 10-20 on the season, including a 4 game home sweep by the Yankees, a 3-game road sweep by the Royals, and 3-game home sweep by the Braves, the Astros brain-trust publicly showed no concern, but behind closed doors:
Well-placed electronic equipment that a bunch of computer dudes with Eurasian/East Asian accents…er…completely organic and legal human sources, provided this rough transcript of a conversation from owner Jim Crane’s office between him and GM Dana Brown:
“Brown! What the [expletive deleted] is going on here? How in the name of [expletive deleted] did this happen? I thought that when we fell in the ALCS, that would give us some extra time to rest for the season. All of our younger arms were going to be that much more experienced with better endurance. We loaded up on a closer. Sure, we let a lot of middle bullpen arms walk, but remember the last time we overpaid for a middle relief dude? Who said we had plenty of starting pitching depth? Who said that we would be competitive for Blake Snell? Who???”
Brown
“Uh, last time I checked, YOU controlled the wallet. All of those bullpen arms you mentioned…didn’t you also say that we had some good ones and that we wouldn’t be making another “Montero” move? Oh, who also thought that we had to sacrifice our two top prospects for Verlander, who is closer to eligibility for Social Security vs. his pitching prime? By the way, didn’t a lot of moves happen BEFORE you brought me in? Don’t get me started on that relic Abreu…”
[Sources indicated that at this point, Crane attempted to take a swing at Brown, who deftly stepped out of the way, noting that Crane’s swing was just like that of their primary first-baseman.]
After a few minutes, when Crane collected himself.
“Ok, from now on, you listen to what I say. Not what I SAID…what I SAY!!! Got it?”
Brown
“Sure, whatever.”
Crane
“Anyway, I am in a bind. This is not exactly how I figured we would start the season. My communications staff is working hard to spin this. Can you help us out?”
Brown
“Spin??”
Crane
“Look, man. We’ve done the worst possible thing that we could imagine…we’ve unleashed irrational Yankee fandom and championship hope on the rest of the planet. Did you see the response after they swept us?!?! I am getting so much hate mail right now…”
Brown
“More than the usual death-threats, curses, harsh language from all the non-Houston fanbases, another article from Chandler Rome blasting the roster construction…”
Crane
“Well, kinda, sorta, may…no, I am NOT talking about THAT!!!! I’m talking about the WORST thing in the history of EVER!!!! Brian Cashman is [expletive-deleted] [expletive deleted]-talking me. Cashman!!! That no-talent hack who lucked out in the late-1990s.”
Brown
“Well, ok…so we got swept at home…again. That’s hardly news.”
Crane
“And to think I spent a fortune on the voodoo priestess to lift the MMP curse…”
Brown
“Wait…WHAT?!?!?!”
Crane
“In retrospect, I probably should have paid in full up front and not withheld the payment pending complete success of the ceremony…”
Brown
“We paid in full beforehand back in the fall of 2021 when I was in Atlanta. Should’ve done that.”
Crane
“Wait…WHAT?!?!?!”
Brown
“Anyway, back to why you brought me in here?”
Crane
“Sure. Here is how we can spin the start of the year…”
Brown
“Spin what? 10-20 is 10-20. There is nothing to spin…”
Crane
“Shush!!! Anyway, here’s a few options:
– We always start slow. How many teams got off to hot starts and ended up going nowhere?
– Our players feel that they really need to challenge themselves. They saw what Texas and Arizona did as Wild Cards, and honestly, they were kinda bored with winning the division. Want to really show it off in the Wild Card Round.”
– Honestly, the high starting pitcher ERA of nearly 21.00 for all of our non-injured pitchers not named Javier and Blanco…that figure is not adjusted for fuel-prices. Inflation has been hitting EVERYONE hard, and pitcher ERA is no exception. Until the Fed cuts the interest rates…
-Bregman and Abreu are really just sandbagging. They always start slow and have a few injuries. Bregman in particular figures that if he listens to Scott Boras, a second half turnaround will land him the big bucks, and as we know, Scott Boras is infallible. Also, you can’t discount the back of the baseball card, now can you?”
Upon hearing this, Brown is reported to have retorted:
“…and just who the [expletive deleted] came up with these ideas???”
Crane immediately replied:
“Well, I had our staff do some deep academic and historic digging. Found some good stuff from…oh what’s his name? Baghdad…did I say that…yes, Baghdad Bob! Also, our people came across some stuff from late 1970s Russia. Associated with some Brezhnev-dude and a spat of bad health…all good stuff.”
Brown
“Oh, [expletive deleted]!”
Crane
“Come again????”
Brown
“Nothing. Anyway, I know this is a tough start, but it is not like we have a lot of options to fix this on the fly here. Hopefully, some of the guys round back into shape.”
Crane
“Still, we might need to consider all options for pitching help…and I mean ALL options…”
Brown
“Well, there are some waiver wire guys…unless you really want me to make the big splash and get…him…”
Crane
“Him…him, who…Odorizzi?”
Brown
“No…I mean…Tr…”
[Crane immediately unlatches a lightsaber from under his jacket, ignites it, revealing a red blade and pointing it at Brown’s head]
“You will not say that name ever again…EVER!!!”
Brown
“Okkkkkaaaayyyyyy….Click warned me, but I had no idea…”
[Crane waves his non-lightsaber hand in a circular motion]
“This is the not the meeting you are looking for…”
Brown uttered, robotically
“This is not the meeting that I am looking for…”
The rest of the discussion did not make it to our completely legal and always above board ethical methods.
That being said, we haven’t even finished the 1st month of the season. Ten games under .500 and 6+ games back of 1st…not the ideal start, but titles are not won in April. They are won in October/November, usually at Minute Maid Park. Now, who actually wins there…that is besides the point. Still, as the season progresses, we at Totally Not Fake News will continue to watch as the season unfolds in Houston, whatever direction it takes.